Mitt Romney Plans to Stay Awake for 72 Hours Prior to First Debate, and Other Revelations

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Obama and Romney will look this lost throughout the debates. Photo: Photos: AFP/Getty Images

In an exclusive scoop that is sure to win the afternoon, the evening, and possibly the weekend, Daily Intel has the first look at the latest expectation-setting talking points being dispatched to surrogates by the Obama and Romney campaigns ahead of the first debate on Wednesday night:

From: Beth Myers, Senior Adviser
To: Interested Parties
Date: September 28, 2012
Re: 2012 Presidential Debates

As we approach the presidential debates, please keep in mind the following:

• President Obama is the most gifted orator the world has ever known. A recent scientific study determined that the tone of his voice alone is 52 percent more persuasive than the average human voice. He could literally just babble nonsense for 90 minutes, and the post-debate insta-polls would still name him the winner. As such, Romney is the clear underdog.

• Governor Romney has never participated in a general-election presidential debate before. He's never even watched one on TV. In fact, Romney doesn't even know that he has a debate next Wednesday. We're going to tell him on Tuesday night, around 11 p.m.

• Governor Romney has an unavoidably busy schedule in the coming days, and will likely not sleep for 72 hours prior to the first debate.

• President Obama has never told the truth, not even once, in his entire life, and we expect that to continue during the debates, although you won't hear about it from The Media.

• A debate moderator murdered Governor Romney’s childhood friend during a notoriously grisly 1956 cross-country killing spree, and Romney continues to battle a crippling fear of debate moderators to this day. Should he turn in even a satisfactory performance, it will be thanks to an almost unimaginable level of concentration and courage.


From: Jim Messina, Campaign Manager
To: Interested Parties
Date: September 28, 2012
Re: 2012 Presidential Debates

With just a few days until the debates commence, I’d like to point out a few things:


• Mitt Romney just recently participated in twenty GOP primary debates against some of this nation’s sharpest minds and cutting wits.

• Reports indicate that Romney has blocked out fifteen hours for debate practice every day for the past five months. He has even built an exact replica of the first debate venue at his New Hampshire lake house, replete with a live audience of 2,000 people and a holographic computer simulation of moderator Jim Lehrer. President Obama, meanwhile, has yet to spend one moment preparing for the debates, as he is too busy reviving the economy and supporting our brave men and women fighting overseas as commander-in-chief.

• President Obama is allergic to podiums.

• President Obama has become afflicted with a rare, temporary disorder that makes it difficult for him to articulate ideas in concise, easily understandable soundbites. If he rambles or gets sidetracked, it’s because of the disorder, and Obama is immune from criticism under the Americans With Disabilities Act.

• President Obama plans to eat an obscene amount of old, room-temperature shellfish for dinner the night of the debate, which would explain any lapses in judgement and/or charisma.