Sheldon Adelson Is Buying the World’s Most Expensive Potato Latke

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The Obama campaign should just FedEx this guy a latke already. Photo: Phillipe Lopez/AFP/Getty Images

What motivates Sheldon Adelson, the casino magnate who has so far donated $70 million of his vast $21 billion fortune to the cause of defeating President Obama, an already record-breaking sum that could further climb to $100 million by the time all is said and done? Politico robot-hobo reporter Mike Allen finally found out: Adelson just wants a goddamn potato latke.

Adelson said he recently told Romney: “I want to tell you something: I’m not looking for an ambassadorship. I’m not looking for anything, except if I’m fortunate enough to be invited to another [White House] Hanukkah party, I want two potato pancakes, because last time I was there, they ran out of them.” He explained that he went “to all the Hanukkah parties for the eight years of Bush … but the last time I was there, they ran out of … latkes."

[Scene from inside the Adelson compound, later today.]

Adelson: Why didn't anyone tell me that the White House Hanukkah parties aren't the only place you can get latkes!?! WHY!?
Terrified Aide No. 1: We're — we're so sorry, sir.
Adelson: [Sweeps arm across dining-room table, sending china clattering to the ground.] Your "sorry" isn't going to get my $70 million back!
Terrified Aide No. 1: Absolutely not, sir; I apologize for being sorry.

[Terrified Aide No. 1 begins hurriedly picking up pieces of broken china from the floor.]

Adelson: What about you, Bosworth, what do you have to say for yourself?
Terrified Aide No. 2: My ... my name is Frank, sir.
Adelson: Get me a latke this instant, Bosworth — no, wait. Two latkes. Aaahh, yes ... at last.