Park Slope Is Now Just a Big Puddle of Urine

This is why we can't have nice things. Photo: Alex Trautwig/Getty Images

There was a time when Park Slope was one of Brooklyn's loveliest neighborhoods, full of quiet, tree-lined blocks packed with row upon row of elegant brownstones. Now, thanks to the bursting bladders of Barclays Center patrons, it's nothing more than a "cesspool" of human pee, according to local residents. In fact, these drunken monsters seem to be going out of their way to spray their streams of terror on objects of beauty:

Neighbors say patrons at the newly opened Barclays Center are using local sidewalks as urinals, even peeing on a community garden across from the new arena....

A greenthumbed resident who tends the Brooklyn Bears Community Garden on Pacific Street and Flatbush Avenue said she watched in horror on the arena's opening night when a patron almost relieved himself on some of the garden's greenery.

"He was about to release himself on the bushes and I told him, 'Hey, the plants!,'" said Michelle R., a member of the garden who didn't want her last name used. "He was right by the rose bushes, poor babies, a few feet from the grape vines I planted this year."

Park Slope is now a place where dogs wear sweaters and do yoga and people pee on rose bushes. Twenty years in the future, it will be impossible to distinguish the two.