Park Slope Is Now Just a Big Puddle of Urine

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Exterior views of the Barclays Center before the Brooklyn Nets take on the Washington Wizards on October 15, 2012 in the Brooklyn borough of New York City.
This is why we can't have nice things. Photo: Alex Trautwig/Getty Images

There was a time when Park Slope was one of Brooklyn's loveliest neighborhoods, full of quiet, tree-lined blocks packed with row upon row of elegant brownstones. Now, thanks to the bursting bladders of Barclays Center patrons, it's nothing more than a "cesspool" of human pee, according to local residents. In fact, these drunken monsters seem to be going out of their way to spray their streams of terror on objects of beauty:

Neighbors say patrons at the newly opened Barclays Center are using local sidewalks as urinals, even peeing on a community garden across from the new arena....

A greenthumbed resident who tends the Brooklyn Bears Community Garden on Pacific Street and Flatbush Avenue said she watched in horror on the arena's opening night when a patron almost relieved himself on some of the garden's greenery.

"He was about to release himself on the bushes and I told him, 'Hey, the plants!,'" said Michelle R., a member of the garden who didn't want her last name used. "He was right by the rose bushes, poor babies, a few feet from the grape vines I planted this year."

Park Slope is now a place where dogs wear sweaters and do yoga and people pee on rose bushes. Twenty years in the future, it will be impossible to distinguish the two.