Is the Five-Second Rule Really Malarkey?

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Nothing sadder. Nothing.

The five-second rule has guided the hapless, food-dropping people of Earth for millennia, but now Science has decided that it's nothing but a gross old wives' tale:

Though a popular belief, a new study has found that germs often win the race.

The study, co-funded by Clorox and conducted by researchers at San Diego State University, found that germs do in fact attach themselves to edible items within that amount of time, the McClatchy-Tribune News Service is reporting.

Well, we guess we won't be — WAIT A SECOND. 

The study, co-funded by Clorox ...

Ha, okay. Nice try, Clorox. We're going to keep eating stuff off the floor.