Highly Inappropriate Veep Zingers That Could Spice Up the Vice-Presidential Debate

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Photo: David McNew/Getty Images; HBO; Mark Wilson/Getty Images

Before last week's presidential debate, we heard a lot about the candidates' pre-written "zingers," which threatened to turn a sober discussion of policy into a playground yo mamma! bout. After so much build-up, the zinger quotient was depressingly slim. But tonight, Paul "Hey Girl" Ryan and Joe "Big Fucking Deal" Biden — two men who are used to saying whatever they want and getting away with it — will get another chance. So why not just go all out and take some insults from Veep, HBO's foul-mouthed depiction of the office they're fighting for? With inspiration from fictional vice-president Selina Meyer and her team of F-bombing misanthropes, we've repurposed a few of the show's best insults.

Biden on arrival ...
"Wazzup, as they say in the late nineties."

Ryan on the last four years ...
"You have put this office in a salad spinner of fuck."

Biden on Medicare vouchers ...
"It's like trying to use a croissant for a fucking dildo. It doesn't do the job and it makes a fucking mess."

Biden on Romney ...
"He's mediocre. Of all the -ocres, he's the mediest."

Ryan on Biden's relationship with Obama ...
"How many times have you talked to the president today?" [Biden: "Four times."] "And in each of those, did he say, 'Someone get this freak the fuck away from me'?"

Ryan on the 47 percent ...
"I've met some real people, okay? And I've got to tell you, a lot of them are fucking idiots."

Biden on Ryan's muscles ...
"You know, I can see right through your shirt. Is it designed that way?"

Ryan on Biden's age ...
"We need somebody who's plugged in. The only thing Joe's plugged into is his fucking piss bag."

Biden on his psyche ...
"I'm a political leper and an emotional time bomb, so here's an idea, let's put me onstage."

Ryan's closing statement ...
"What I'm saying, you fucking ape, is that you are a useless waste of fucking carbon. I've been trying to cynically use you but you're so fucking low rent that you can't even be exploited."

Biden's closing statement ...
"I'm the vice president of the United States, you stupid little fuckers!"