Highly Inappropriate Veep Zingers That Could Spice Up the Vice-Presidential Debate

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Photo: David McNew/Getty Images; HBO; Mark Wilson/Getty Images

Before last week’s presidential debate, we heard a lot about the candidates’ pre-written “zingers,” which threatened to turn a sober discussion of policy into a playground yo mamma! bout. After so much build-up, the zinger quotient was depressingly slim. But tonight, Paul “Hey Girl” Ryan and Joe “Big Fucking Deal” Biden — two men who are used to saying whatever they want and getting away with it — will get another chance. So why not just go all out and take some insults from Veep, HBO’s foul-mouthed depiction of the office they’re fighting for? With inspiration from fictional vice-president Selina Meyer and her team of F-bombing misanthropes, we’ve repurposed a few of the show’s best insults.

Biden on arrival …
“Wazzup, as they say in the late nineties.”

Ryan on the last four years …
“You have put this office in a salad spinner of fuck.”

Biden on Medicare vouchers …
“It’s like trying to use a croissant for a fucking dildo. It doesn’t do the job and it makes a fucking mess.”

Biden on Romney …
“He’s mediocre. Of all the -ocres, he’s the mediest.”

Ryan on Biden’s relationship with Obama …
“How many times have you talked to the president today?” [Biden: “Four times.”] “And in each of those, did he say, ‘Someone get this freak the fuck away from me’?”

Ryan on the 47 percent …
“I’ve met some real people, okay? And I’ve got to tell you, a lot of them are fucking idiots.”

Biden on Ryan’s muscles
“You know, I can see right through your shirt. Is it designed that way?”

Ryan on Biden’s age …
“We need somebody who’s plugged in. The only thing Joe’s plugged into is his fucking piss bag.”

Biden on his psyche …
“I’m a political leper and an emotional time bomb, so here’s an idea, let’s put me onstage.”

Ryan’s closing statement …
“What I’m saying, you fucking ape, is that you are a useless waste of fucking carbon. I’ve been trying to cynically use you but you’re so fucking low rent that you can’t even be exploited.”

Biden’s closing statement …
“I’m the vice president of the United States, you stupid little fuckers!”