Cruise From Hell Will Be Pulled Ashore Very Slowly

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"The lack of a urine smell out here is very romantic, isn't it sweetheart?"
Photo: Carnival

After a fire broke out in the engine room of a Carnival cruise on Sunday, the propulsion system went down, the power went out, the water stopped running, food supplies ran low, and the lack of air-conditioning amplified the smell of urine and feces that resulted from malfunctioning toilets. ("Cabin carpets are wet with urine and water. Toilets are overflowing inside cabins," one elated vacationer texted her husband. Passengers were "asked to defecate in bags and urinate in showers," according to CNN.) Some people elected to sleep on the deck to avoid the heat and the odor. Conditions seem to have improved a bit since Sunday thanks to food deliveries from other Carnival ships and progress with those toilets, but the ship won't be tugged back into port in Alabama until sometime Thursday. Personally, we'd prefer the wild animals