10 People Who Are Secret Muslims

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Hillary Clinton: Secret Muslim.
Hillary Clinton: Secret Muslim. Photo: AP/Corbis

It's pretty well known at this point that a majority of people who publicly claim not to be Muslim are actually Muslim. Here are ten prominent examples.

1. Barack Obama
The world's most famous secret Muslim. There's so much proof this one barely even counts as a secret anymore.

2. Michelle Obama
There's no proof for this one, but we can just assume.

3. John Brennan
The man who has played a central role in killing thousands of Muslims with sky robots actually converted to Islam in Saudi Arabia in the nineties, according to a former FBI agent.

4. Anthony Weiner
Though outwardly he appears the epitome of a New York Jew, Weiner converted to Islam when he married his (openly) Muslim wife, Huma Abedin, according to respected person Robert Spencer. Other respected people, such as public relations consultant Eliana Benador, agree that this is what happened, because after Weiner's crotch shots, a New York imam was like (paraphrasing), "Eh, it's cool, he's a fellow Muslim."

5. Grover Norquist
Norquist may be the world's foremost anti-tax crusader, but one crusade he doesn't like is ... the Crusades, any of them. Norquist claims to be a "boring white bread Methodist," but, like Weiner, he converted to Islam in order to marry Palestinian Samah Alrayyes and is also probably a Muslim Brotherhood operative.

6. Hillary Clinton
Clinton revealed her Muslimness in this photo taken at the grave of Pakistani poet Muhammad Iqbal in 2009.

7. Valerie Jarrett
Obama's right-hand woman was born to American parents in pre-revolution Iran. Ergo, Muslim.

8. Bobby Jindal
Jindal claims he's a Hindu turned Catholic, but an anonymous blogger at jindalisamuslim.wordpress.com has been promising since March of 2011 to post "proof-positive" information about the Louisiana governor's true religion and we're sure he's going to get around to it any day now. In the meantime, the Internet's commenters agree: Muslim.

9. Some Random Family Court Judge in Florida
His name is Elijah Williams. Case closed.

10. Prince Charles
The Prince of Wales and future Caliph of the British Caliphate has said nice things about Islam and toured a mosque once and appreciates ancient Islamic calligraphy, so he's a Muslim too.