Once a week, Daily Intelligencer takes a peek behind doors left slightly ajar. This week, the Pregnant Woman Having a Quickie in the Kohl’s Dressing Room: Female, 22, Lexington, Kentucky, housewife, straight, married.
9:30 a.m. I roll over and peer above my husband’s shoulder at the alarm clock. It’s not supposed to go off for another hour, but a kicking baby and a growling stomach have woken me up. I’m 38 weeks pregnant. I try to roll back over and get a few more minutes of sleep. My husband groans sleepily and puts an arm around me.
9:45 a.m. I’m too restless and awake to go back to sleep, and I have to pee now. I squirm out of my husband’s hold and climb off the bed. He rolls over and continues sleeping.
10:35 a.m. I eat Greek yogurt and cereal as I browse Facebook and Twitter, waiting for my husband to wake up. He finally comes down to join me and pours a cup of coffee I have brewed for him. I get a thank-you kiss on the forehead in return for making his coffee, then he shuffles back up the stairs with his mug and heads for the shower.
1 p.m. I’m still trying to adjust to all the new changes. Our new house, my husband’s new work schedule, and being pregnant. I have boxes everywhere I need to unpack, but 38 weeks pregnant and my husband not having to work until five makes motivation and productivity extinct.
5 p.m. Husband has finally clocked in to work. He works from home as a customer service representative, so he is just around the corner, at the desk in our bedroom. I guess I will do a load of laundry, though I don’t know why, since I walk around naked anyway.
7:30 p.m. I go into the bedroom to put the clean clothes away. Husband is on the phone with an angry customer. He looks up and gives me a half-smile.
7:37 p.m. He finishes his call and I hint that I’m a little horny. He mentions he is hungry. There isn’t time for food and sex on his lunch break; he will have to choose.
8 p.m. Pretty Little Liars is on. My TV addiction. I settle in on the couch with some Thin Mints and a big fluffy blanket.
9:30 p.m. Husband is on his “lunch” break and has decided he is more hungry than horny. I’m disappointed, but still sore from sex yesterday, so I guess I will survive. I heat up leftovers for dinner.
1 a.m. One hour until husband gets off work and it is all I can do to keep my eyes open. I casually flip through pregnancy magazines I get free in the mail, but I’m not really retaining anything.
2 a.m. I can feel my husband’s breath on the back of my neck as his arm wraps around my side and rests on my round belly. I guess I fell asleep. I give him a quick peck on the lips and mumble something sleepily before returning to my slumber.
10 a.m. I’m so sick of waking up before the alarm clock! Husband is still sleeping deeply. He’s on his back, so I decide to cuddle up and lay on his chest. My arm rests on his stomach, and my hand lightly grazes his erection. I’ve always wanted to give him a surprise BJ in the morning, but I’m afraid of being rejected because he is tired and grumpy.
11:30 a.m. Husband is awake now, checking the news on his iPad. My head is still on his chest and he kisses my forehead.
11:45 a.m. A little cuddling and kissing and he is worked up and starting to make that moaning noise he makes when he is horny. I hate turning him down, but between my morning breath and needing to pee, I don’t feel sexy. I lightly push him off and tell him “later.” I kiss him before climbing out of bed.
3 p.m. It’s his day off, so we decide to get out and run some errands. I complain about having to squeeze into a bra and joke how I’m not going to wear any clothes. I like to say that just to get him riled up. It’s cute when he is protective.
4 p.m. At Victoria’s Secret. Most people buy sexy new panties and outfits for special occasions. I buy them weekly on my Angel Card, because it’s one of the only things I still feel sexy about. I’m five-foot-seven and went from 145 pounds and natural 36DD breasts to being 180 pounds, covered in stretch marks, leaking nipples, and 40E breasts. I can’t even buy bras at VS. Lace panties are my last attempt to feel attractive.
5 p.m. Sitting at the bookstore café. Husband is reading magazines about rifles and cars as he sips his double tall breve mocha latte. He used to work at Starbucks, so he is weird about coffee. I just drink my apple juice and read Cosmo for ridiculous sex ideas that never work.
10:45 p.m. Finally home. Run a bubble bath. It’s amazing we can both still fit in the tub facing each other. He gives me a look as he leans forward and begins rubbing my clit underwater. I moan and close my eyes. I’m tired, but horny pregnancy hormones begin to surge through me and increase as I see his erection surface through the water. I love that turning me on turns him on.
11 p.m. He tries to climb on top of me in the tub, but no amount of spreading my legs or bending my body is making this position possible with my huge belly between us. He decides to drain the tub and resume this in the bedroom.
11:25 p.m. After enough foreplay and rubbing to get me worked up and wet, we go downstairs to finish on the couch. Me climbing on top of him and straddling his legs as he sits on the couch is the only position that is comfortable for me. I orgasm hard when he grabs my hips and helps move me. He comes almost immediately after.
Midnight We’ve showered and I’m naked on my side of the bed, sleepily trying to pay attention to what he is reading about on the iPad. He has his flannel red plaid PJ pants on and a light T-shirt. He is weird about wearing clothes.
11 a.m. Finally sleep past alarm. Husband has hit snooze about four times already. Trying to ignore my need to go pee to enjoy a few more minutes cuddled next to him. I have no idea how late he stayed up last night, but I miss having the energy to stay up with him.
11:30 a.m. I throw some bagels in the toaster and turn on coffee pot. I feel kind of grouchy. Husband has to work 30 minutes early for a meeting. That doesn’t help my mood any.
11:50 a.m. I join him in the shower. My arms are crossed over my boobs in a lame attempt to keep them warm, as I shiver from the cold mist that splashes me while he is under the hot water. Our showers used to be so much more erotic. At least he still enjoys me soaping up his balls and helping him rinse off.
4 p.m. Home from a massage and I feel like a new woman. My body is ache free and my energy level is making me horny. Husband is sitting on the couch with our cat, reading some news article. I sit beside him and tell him about my massage and appointment. Sadly, he doesn’t seem horny. I go find something to snack on.
7 p.m. Husband is working and I try to unpack a few boxes. At least the nursery is mostly complete. I feel like crying. Stupid hormones.
9:30 p.m. I’m reading on our bed and my husband climbs on me. I glance at the clock and notice it’s his lunch break. He begins kissing my lips and neck and asking how I feel. I guess he is more horny than hungry today.
9:45 p.m. We are both naked now and I stroke his erection as he pleasures me with his hand and sucks my boobs. Despite the growing pains and much larger size, I still love the attention. Husband tries missionary position, holding himself above my belly with his arm strength. I caress his arm muscles. He thrusts faster, which causes the baby to kick; my belly cramps a little. He whines how he misses getting to be on top. I miss it too.
9:50 p.m. We go down to the couch to finish. I remind him I enjoy feeling his hands on my body and request he suck my nipples. I can tell by his lip biting he is working hard not to come yet. It’s enough to send me over the edge and I orgasm. He slowly keeps rocking me against him as he comes, which gives me an unexpected second orgasm, harder than the first one.
10:30 p.m. He is working again. I work on some homework for my doula training. In between calls he jokes with me about the sounds I made during sex. I couldn’t help it; the second orgasm was intense and surprising.
2 a.m. He climbs into bed next to me. I hand him the iPad and suggest we watch an episode of something before bed. He chooses some animal show. I fall asleep before I even know what it’s about.
6:15 a.m. My stomach is growling. I grab some cheese crackers and a Vitaminwater and head back up to bed.
11 a.m. I don’t feel good after waking up earlier. I roll over and try to cuddle up against my husband, but his back is to me. I put an arm over him and feel to see if he has an erection. He does. I decide to ignore it and rub the hairs above it and his belly instead. He rolls over on his back and lets me cuddle on his chest.
11:30 a.m. In the shower together. He helps wash my body, and I notice some soreness as his hand slips under my vagina.
2:45 p.m. At my midwife appointment. Sprawled open on the table as my midwife checks my cervix and swabs me for cultures or something doesn’t make me feel sexy, but having my husband hold my hand helps ease the discomfort. I wonder if she can tell we had sex last night?
5 p.m. Write thank-you notes from my baby shower last week.
2 a.m. I’m strangely wide awake. Husband offers to massage me and I hand him the cocoa butter. He rubs my belly, hips, boobs, and anywhere there may be stretch marks as he talks to our baby. The baby kicks. I love seeing my husband smile and laugh over our baby. It’s attractive.
2:15 a.m. I feel greasy from all the lotion. We kiss. He guides my hand to his pants. I’m not really horny enough for sex, but I’m just horny enough to want to give him a good oral/hand job. He comes quickly and I swallow. I hear semen is beneficial for pregnancy? Nevertheless, I enjoy the look and sounds he makes.
2:30 a.m. I roll over and fall asleep, and surprisingly tonight he cuddles me and does the same, instead of staying up to watch Netflix.
6:45 a.m. Husband wakes me up whining about how he has heartburn. I hand him the bottle of water by the side of my bed and try to fall back asleep.
9 a.m. Husband is up again complaining about feeling sick. I decide I’m not going to be able to fall back asleep, so I go shower.
2 p.m. Chiropractor appointments for both of us. Chiropractor suggests he try massage therapy for his back pain, but I don’t want another female running her hands all over his body, professional or not.
9:45 a.m. He cuddles me and we kiss and talk about how his work is going. I pet his inner thigh over his jeans. Heavy petting and deeper kissing leads quickly to sex.
10:15 p.m. We both rinse off in the shower after finishing. I think sex is a lot messier since I’ve been pregnant. Maybe because we don’t use condoms anymore.
12:30 a.m. I drift off to sleep feeling slightly nauseous.
2:45 a.m. I wake up to the sound of something shaking and a sweet smell. See my husband above me, holding a bag of warm doughnut holes and a small bottle of chocolate milk for me. He must have gone to the doughnut shop that opens at 2 a.m.! What a delicious way to wake up!
3 a.m. Hopefully I will sleep better tonight with a belly fully of carbs and milk.
1 p.m. We are working on finishing up the nursery today. Husband is painting and handling the heavy stuff, while I sort baby clothes. Watching him do work is sexy, but watching him do work in preparation for our baby is extra sexy.
5 p.m. I’m just exhausted today. A bubble bath and raspberry leaf tea are all I feel like right now.
9 p.m. Post-nap. I have a headache and I’m feeling morning sick. I don’t feel like cooking tonight, so I order pizza.
9:45 p.m. Husband is in a very horny mood. I’m kind of aggravated that the pizza hasn’t arrived yet and turn down his advances. I feel bad, though, and explain I just feel sick and tired.
11 p.m. I fall asleep listening to Mozart and breathing in peaceful essential oils.
2 a.m. Husband is off work and climbs into bed with me. He gives me a peck on the lips. I attempt to kiss back. He keeps kissing me and petting me hair and face. I know he is horny, but I’m tired! He tries to slide inside me from the side. I normally love sleepy sex, but I’m too tired to even contribute anything, so he says he will make it quick.
7 a.m. I guess I fell asleep last night. I wonder if husband even finished, or if me falling asleep was a turnoff? I roll over and try to cuddle close to him, but his back is to me.
3:30 p.m. Lying on the massage table getting my adjustment and watching my husband relax after his chiropractor appointment. He always seems to be so much taller and straighter after his adjustment.
4:20 p.m. Clothes shopping for him at Kohl’s. I help him unbutton a dress shirt. He looks sexy in his jeans and his bare chest. I don’t know what those lower ab muscles are called that make the “V” shape leading into his jeans, but it makes me kind of giddy every time I look at it. I playfully squeeze his butt. He pulls me close for a kiss. I look up at him quizzically, to make sure we are on the same page. Then I unzip his jeans as he removes my shirt and begins kissing the top of my breasts. I try to breathe as quietly as possible.
4:45 p.m. We finished “trying things on” in the fitting room and make our purchases. Probably a little too happily and vibrant during checkout, but I’m high on happy hormones, so who cares?
8:30 p.m. I’ve been getting more and more exhausted. I fall asleep on husband’s lap as he watches random war documentaries.
11 p.m. He wakes me up and helps me walk up the stairs. I fall back asleep as soon as I climb in bed and he guides my body over closer to him and my head to his chest, as he reads.
TOTALS: 4 acts of intercourse; 5 orgasms; 1 act of oral sex given; 1 dressing room hookup; 3 refusals of sex because of pregnancy symptoms.