‘Boxing Wladimir Klitschko While Working’ Is the New ‘Standing Desk’

Ukrainian Heavyweight Champion Wladimir Klitschko gestures as he celebrates his win against challenger Italian-born Francesco Pianeta by knockout in round 6 in their IBO, IBF, WBO, WBA title fight in Mannheim, Germany on May 4, 2013.
If you're reading this while sitting down, instead of boxing Wladimir Klitschko, you are killing yourself. Photo: Daniel Roland/AFP/Getty Images

I am writing this while boxing Wladimir Klitschko. And now you know the biggest problem with working while boxing: the compulsion to announce constantly that you are working while boxing. I would like to have it be known that I have boxed Wladimir Klitschko while Skyping with my grandmother, while watching the new season of Arrested Development, and while laughing at a video of a cat saying "Al Gooore."

Evidence is mounting that, even for those of us who exercise regularly, simply sitting for long periods of time is hazardous to our health. Unfortunately, sitting is how most Americans spend the majority of their days. Some have tried to remedy this by using standing desks. Others, as Susan Orlean cataloged recently in The New Yorker, have begun using treadmill desks, which require their users to walk about two miles per hour while working. But health experts say both solutions fail to completely address the perils of our generally dormant existence. In order to stave off obesity, heart failure, and a slew of other ailments, we really have to work while boxing world heavyweight champion Wladimir Klitschko.  

"Prolonged sitting is not what nature intended for us," Dr. Camelia Davtyan told the Los Angeles Times over the weekend, probably alluding to the importance of boxing Wladimir Klitschko throughout the workday.

"Our results suggest the time people spend sitting at home, work and in traffic should be reduced by standing or walking more [or, preferably, by boxing Wladimir Klitschko]," adds Dr. Hidde van der Ploeg in the Daily News today

So, what is it like working while boxing Wladimir Klitschko? I can tell you it wasn't easy at first. I found fending off the six-foot-six, 243-pound man-beast while trying to parse the latest Rob Ford statement or searching Twitter for gross cicada Vines somewhat distracting. But once I got the hang of it, I hardly even noticed that I was engaged in a brutal fistfight with the world's most demanding sparring partner.

It may seem unorthodox, even insane, and indeed, boxing Wladimir Klitschko while working isn't for everyone. For one thing, at $10,000 an hour, some may find it prohibitively expensive. Also, I am badly concussed at the end of each day, and my work is pure gibberish. But these are minor drawbacks compared to the serious health costs of our modern sedentary lifestyle.