Michele Bachmann Retires As President of Crazyland

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AMES, IA - AUGUST 13:  Republican presidential candidate Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN), her husband Marcus Bachmann and some of their children wave to supporters as confetti rains down in her tent outside the Hilton Coliseum at Iowa State University August 13, 2011 in Ames, Iowa. Nine GOP presidential candidates are competing for votes in the Iowa Straw Poll, an important step for gaining momentum in a crowded field of hopefuls.  (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)
Photo: Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

Michele Bachmann, who since 2009 2007 has faithfully represented the interests of Minnesota’s Sixth Congressional District and driven search-engine traffic across the country, announced today that she is retiring.

Bachmann faced a dire threat of losing reelection. But to think she was chased out of her job is an error born from thinking of Bachmann as merely another member of Congress. Bachmann is more than that: She is President of Crazyland, a title she has jostled for and maintained, in the face of unrelenting intraparty competition, since 2009. In that sense, Bachmann is walking away at the top of her game.

Bachmann’s contributions as president were manifold. During her tenure, she alerted the residents of Crazyland to many threats, and thus, presumably prevented them from occurring. And so, here are Bachmann’s ten greatest insights as President of Crazyland:

1. Barack Obama “may have anti-American views.” (Figures like Rush Limbaugh and Rand Paul have arrived at similar conclusions, but Bachmann beat them to it.)

2. Obama is enslaving us all:

We will talk a little bit about what has transpired in the last 18 months and would we count what has transpired into turning our country into a nation of slaves.”

3. Rick Perry distributed dangerous vaccines:

"Little girls who have a negative reaction to this potentially dangerous drug don't get a mulligan," Bachmann proclaimed. "They don't get a do-over. The parents don't get a do-over."

That is not the critique I would have thought to make of Rick Perry.

4. God is sending natural disasters to warn us to cut domestic spending:

"I don't know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We've had an earthquake; we've had a hurricane. He said, 'Are you going to start listening to me here?' Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring right now. They know government is on a morbid obesity diet and we've got to rein in the spending."

5. The census is being conducted by ACORN:

Now ACORN has been named one of the national partners, which will be a recipient again of federal money," Bachmann said. "And they will be in charge of going door-to-door and collecting data from the American public. 

6. Nobody has ever found that carbon dioxide harms anything:

Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful!

But there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows carbon dioxide is a harmful gas. There isn’t one such study because carbon dioxide is not aharmful gas, it is a harmless gas.

(Too many Republicans to count share this view, so Bachmann gets only partial credit here.)

7. The Internal Revenue Service may deny health care to conservatives:

Since the IRS also is the chief enforcer of Obamacare requirements, she asked whether the IRS’s admission means it “will deny or delay access to health care” for conservatives.

At this point, she said, that “is a reasonable question to ask.”

It’s fine for the government to deny people health care, obviously — it just has to be done on a strictly nonpartisan basis.

8. Obamacare will kill people:

That’s why we’re here because we’re saying let’s repeal this failure before it literally kills women, kills children, kills senior citizens. Let’s not do that.

9. Obama himself will repeal Obamacare

 “I think the President will ultimately be forced to repudiate his own signature piece of legislation because the American people will demand it,”

A rare optimistic forecast from Obama — and one, I’d note, that still has three years to be vindicated.

10. The Muslim Brotherhood has infiltrated the government:

"It appears that there has been deep penetration in the halls of our United States government by the Muslim Brotherhood,” Bachmann told radio host Sandy Rios in June. “It appears that there are individuals who are associated with the Muslim Brotherhood who have positions, very sensitive positions, in our Department of Justice, our Department of Homeland Security, potentially even in the National Intelligence Agency."

Bachmann's critics say she is making things up. But the truth perhaps is that she is identifying sinister threats to the United States and, as President of Crazyland, thwarting them. The nonexistence of these threats is not proof of Bachmann's insanity. It is proof of her success. Who will protect us now from Census workers using Sharia law to kill us with homosexual Obamacare?