It’s here. After building on its tawdry brand with an open-air Hollywood van tour, TMZ has expanded east with a twice-daily New York City bus voyage around Manhattan. It’s not your British uncle’s sightseeing tour, skipping the historical addresses in favor of Dash (if you don’t know, don’t go, probably) and an apartment that once belonged to Rachel Uchitel (like we said … ). Pitched as a “one-of-a-kind show on wheels,” we had to see it. It wasn’t a letdown, per se, but it definitely wasn’t for everyone. Let us count the ways.
Seats on the bus: 52
Total people on our 1 p.m. Wednesday tour, including Ricky (the tour guide) and Jacques (the driver): 13
Total people on the bus who were not being paid to be there: 7
BuzzFeed employees: 2
Number of dollars the non-media people paid to be there: 49
Middle-aged Canadian men by themselves: 1
Alcohol allowed onboard: 0
Jokes about getting “stabbed,” because this is New York City: 2
Actual NYC landmarks pointed out (using the term loosely, but not including Hustler’s Club, Soho House, or the Standard Hotel): 12 (Times Square, Madison Square Garden, Macy’s, the High Line, Pier 40, Chelsea Piers, the Intrepid, Gilda’s Club, the Hudson River, Studio 54, Caroline’s)
TMZ-style landmarks pointed out: Too many to count (e.g., Jim Carrey’s art studio, Katie Holmes’s apartment above Whole Foods)
Video clips played on two TVs simultaneously, featuring TMZ’s god-awful narrators: 56
Silent photo slideshows: 1 (Suri Cruise in a helicopter)
Minutes before I got a headache: 8
First Lindsay Lohan mention (by passenger): 14 minutes
First Lindsay Lohan mention (by Ricky): 21 minutes
First Sex and the City mention: 39 minutes (not Magnolia Bakery, that was a few minutes later)
First Girls mention: 48 minutes
First Woody Allen mention: 1 hour, 15 minutes
Anthony Weiner mentions: 2
Anthony Weiner mentions without penis joke: 0
Shout-outs by Ricky to the greatness of TMZ boss Harvey Levin: 5 (e.g., “He’s an awesome guy”; “He misreported on the O.J. trial, but with TMZ, though, he’s been spot on”)
Shout-outs by Ricky to the greatness of Jacques, the driver: 13 (e.g., “You’re amazing”; “You’re the best”; “He’s amazing”; “That’s incredible”)
Interactive segments called “Celebrity or Homeless Person”: 2
Celebrities spotted in the flesh: 1 (Adrian Grenier, by Ricky, unconfirmed)
Jokes about domestic violence: 3 (Chris Brown, Mike Tyson, Snooki)
Jokes about anorexia: 2 (Isaac Mizrahi models, Courtney Love)
Jokes about boobs: 2 (Sofia Vergara, every famous woman to ever stay at the Tribeca Grand)
Jokes about poop: 1 (poop cruise)
Jokes about child molestation: 1 (Michael Jackson)
Jokes about New Jersey: 3 (Jersey Shore, Jersey Shore, Jersey Shore)
Racially insensitive jokes: At least 6 (e.g., “Don’t worry, black people, cabbies aren’t just ignoring you”; Robert De Niro liking black women (in song); Kim Kardashian, “black man enthusiast”; other Kardashians, also black men enthusiasts)
Black people on the bus: 0
Total run time: 2 hours
Puns: Too many to count
