For the past few months, as Anthony Weiner went from potential candidate to soon-to-be candidate to actual candidate to salad-throwing candidate, the Post and the Daily News — but let’s be honest, more so the Post — have responded with a veritable fusillade of Weiner puns. Some of these puns are really, really terrible, while others are merely terrible. To help us separate the wheat from the chaff (sounds dirty, but it’s not), we conscripted Fred and Jo Firestone, co-hosts of Punderdome 3000, a Brooklyn-based punning competition. (The next one takes place at Littlefield on July 2.) What follows is their ranking of the tabloids’ Weiner puns, along with selected commentary.
1. “He’s got some balls” PERFECTION.
2. “Weiner on roll in mayoral fight”
3. “Who’s screwed by Weiner’s entry” We give this one a “10” for brevity and simplicity.
4 (tie). “Weiner has already shown the public a complete package. Now let’s see if he can rise to the occasion.”
4 (tie). “Junk politics”
6. “Anthony Weiner announced his campaign for mayor early this morning with — what else? — a leak.” AHH, “LEAK” HAS SO MANY MEANINGS! PUNS SURE ARE GREAT, HUH!
7. “Weiner to seek erection, will announce bid for mayor”
8. “Anthony Weiner has nothing to hide. In fact, he’ll show it to you.”
9. “Anthony Weiner thrusts his way into the New York City mayoral race!” Is it just me, or are there too many dick jokes in our daily newspapers?
10. “Weiner probing possibility of political run” I mean, we read these first thing in the morning, right?
11. “Weiner may not be roasted just yet.” Refreshing as a nonsexual reference! Wait, this is a nonsexual reference, right? Please, please say it’s a nonsexual reference.
12. “Weiner’s poll position (sorry, we didn’t mean it that way) is a sorry commentary on the utter inability of Quinn, Public Advocate Bill de Blasio, Controller John Liu and former Controller Bill Thompson to connect in a meaningful way with New Yorkers at large.” You did. You definitely did mean it that way. Man, reporters are sick.
13. “SHY Weiner Shrivels Up, Spends First Day of Campaign at Home”
14. “As the politicians do their perp walks, who should arise — no pun intended — but Weiner?”
15. “Seniors in Midwood aren’t too excited as Anthony Weiner rises again” I don’t think I want to think too HARD ON this one.
16. “Cuomo spanks Weiner” Fun! But it gets weird when you think about it as two separate politicians and not just one politician and his..um..thing. Wait, I take it back. It’s weird when you think about it either way. Don’t think about this one.
17. “Cuomo beats Weiner… then goes limp.”
18. “And Weiner’s also poking at the other gap in the city’s budget: health care.” This imagery is terrifying.
19. “Weiner’s second coming … Anthony: Erect Me Mayor”
20. “Weiner for dinner” This is bad, but it’s gonna get points for not being about masturbation at this point.
21. “Tip of the Weiner: 20? 100? Many more pics ‘out there’!”
21. “Weiner comes up short in voter poll” These are starting to make me nauseated.
22. “Weiner stiff competition for Dem foes”
23. “Mayoral hopeful Anthony Weiner yesterday stiffed Forest Hills voters”
24. “Weiner’s fundraising goes limp but ideas for campaign on the rise”
25. “Kosher Weiner leads the vey”
26. “Weiner in tweet”
27. “Anthony Weiner has unzipped a new Twitter account. But it’s not as big as it once was.”
28. “Potential rivals are already studying the impact if Weiner slides into the race, according to sources.” This gets last place. This one is disgusting me. Why did this person have to say “weiner slides”?