Evaluating the border-protection plans of recently retired baseball superstars was difficult when we had to wait for the athletes to give a statement to the media or write a white paper. But thanks to Twitter, making policy proposals has become much easier. And we now know that Atlanta Braves legend Chipper Jones (Mets fans, you know him as Larrrr-eeee) has this brilliant idea:
Y'all think if they took all them gators they trap in Fla and La and put them in the Rio Grande, it wud stop the illegals from crossing? Jk
— Chipper Jones (@RealCJ10) June 8, 2013
Well, that's awful! As Chipper soon learned, appending "JK" to offensive statements does not absolve one of criticism. He apologized the next day, but not before his suggestion that desperate people be eaten by sharp-toothed beasts landed him in the "Terrible Suggestions for Protecting the Border Hall of Fame." Other honorees include:
Herman Cain: Alligators and electricity
The GOP's "It" boy for a hot second, Cain proposed both an alligator-filled moat AND a fence topped with electrified barbed wire at campaign rallies in October 2011.
Ted Nugent: Fence built by immigrant slave labor
Like many in his party, the writer of "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang" wants a "full-length, undefeatable border fence." He's among the very few, though, who've suggested it be built by forced labor required of "all illegal men" while they live in gulags and take English classes.
Tom Mullins: Land mines
On his way to losing an election to the U.S. House, the New Mexico Republican proposed land mines to both deter illegal border-crossing and presumably provide an economic stimulus to the prosthetics industry.
Representative Steve King: Electric "livestock" fence
The Iowa congressman also favors an electrified border fence, but his wouldn't completely fry trespassers. He just wants to give them a little shock, the way "we do that with livestock." And who would build it? Why, his own construction company, of course.
Joe Wurzelbacher: Fence plus gunfire
Mr. The Plumber dispelled with the niceties in the immigration debate while running for Congress last year. His suggestion: "Put a damned fence on the border going to Mexico and start shooting."
Tom Tancredo: Selectively inclusive border fence
His support of a border fence is hardly notable, but Colorado's least favorite son stood out when he suggested building that fence on the other side of American border towns that oppose it. "These mayors have already demonstrated that their hearts and loyalties lie with Mexico. Perhaps they'd feel more comfortable if their cities were geographically located there as well."
John Yates: Leaflets and gunfire
At a 2010 candidate forum, the then-89-year-old Georgia state lawmaker suggested a two-step process to ending illegal immigration. First, drop leaflets "all over Mexico" warning that the National Guard will "shoot to kill if anybody crosses." Second, kill everyone "invading us." As Yates put it, "Stopping Hitler was worth the price."
Steven Seagal: Himself
He thinks the best protection is more Steven Seagal.