Mitt Romney Is Incapable of Cooking a Turkey, and 9 Other Things We Learned About Him From Ann Romney’s Cookbook

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Ann Romney's not-yet-released cookbook, The Romney Family Table, will make you feel bad about yourself. Not the recipes themselves, which are fine, but the stories that are used to introduce them — stories that describe literally the world's most idyllic family. From summers with the grandkids at the lake, to Sunday mornings making pancakes, to Christmas Eves listening to classical music and reading great works of literature, the Romneys as a family do everything better than you ever will, and probably while being better-looking as well. 

Amid this onslaught of perfection, the book provides colorful insights into a man we miss hearing about these days: Mitt Romney. Here are ten facts we learned about Mitt from the cookbook.

Fact No. 1: Mitt's favorite way to eat pancakes is "a short stack of two pancakes with crunchy peanut butter between them, all topped with maple syrup."

Fact No. 2: The morning after losing the 2012 election, Mitt and Ann made pancakes for their Secret Service detail as they were packing up to leave. 

Fact No. 3: Mitt "claims that his favorite meats are hot dogs and hamburger."

Fact No. 4: Mitt's favorite meal of Ann's is "meat loaf cakes," which is "part of every one of his birthdays and other special occasions."

Fact No. 5: Mitt and Ann bought a Vitamix blender after seeing a juicing demonstration at Costco. They are now making what Ann refers to as "green drinks," made from "kale, spinach, celery, cucumber, green apple, and berries."

Fact No. 6: Mitt's favorite pie is rhubarb, but he will not eat cooked strawberries because they are "too squishy."

Fact No. 7: Mitt is incapable of making a good Thanksgiving turkey. "The turkey itself is almost always a disappointment: the white meat is too dry and the dark meat is too tough," Ann writes. "He's tried baking bags, foil tents, roasting pans, extra basting — you name it. but with rare exceptions, the turkey is usually a flop." Mitt's daughter-in-law Mary is now in charge of the Thanksgiving turkey. 

Fact No. 8: Mitt is, however, proficient at making mashed potatoes, so that's his job at Thanksgiving. 

Fact No. 9: Every Christmas Eve, Mitt reads excerpts from Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol. Later, the lights are turned out and the family listens to "selections from Handel's Messiah."

Fact No. 10: Mitt makes old-timey vanilla ice cream using an old-timey hand crank

Unrelated Bonus Fact: Ann Romney couldn't help herself from including an anti-Bloomberg joke in the book. "Mayor Bloomberg probably has Fluff high on his list of substances to be banned in New York City."