Rand Paul Fights Imaginary Doughnut Ban

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Don't let your facts stand in the way of my FREEDOM. Photo: Alex Wong/2013 Getty Images

The Food and Drug Administration is phasing out trans fats, prompting noted defender of freedom Rand Paul to warn, “They’re coming after your doughnuts!”

They are not, in fact, coming after your doughnuts. Trans fats are not essential to make doughnuts or, really, anything. Some restaurants still use trans fats because, even though they’re incredibly bad for you, they’re longer-lasting and slightly cheaper than other oils, and very few customers would ever know the difference. But Dunkin’ Donuts, Krispy Kreme, and many others have already eliminated trans fats, and customers have detected no difference in taste. (The libertarian magazine Reason hyperbolically warned in a headline, “Start Hoarding Donuts,” which possibly caught Paul’s eye, though the item itself acknowledges that nothing remotely like a doughnut ban is taking place.)

The doughnut ban is just the latest assault on freedom in the imaginary world in which Rand Paul spends most of his time. In this world, the IRS has hired 16,000 new IRS agents to enforce Obamacare, Obama is giving away free phones, Medicaid is bankrupting Kentucky hospitals, and all sorts of other terrible things that aren’t actually happening are happening.

In Paul’s universe, the fake news that Washington is banning doughnuts is already a hilarious comic premise:

"I say we should line every one of them up. I want to see how skinny or how fat the FDA agents are that are making the rules on this," Paul said …

Paul suggested that if FDA officials didn't have the recommended body mass index, they should be forced to exercise.

"I want to see them on the treadmill, and I want to see someone from maybe OSHA (Occupational Safety and Health Administration) lashing them while they are working on the treadmill," Paul joked as the crowd laughed.

It’s funny because it’s true FDA officials are phasing out a dangerous substance at no cost to people’s ability to eat tasty food.