New Documents Portray Rob Ford As a Lewd, Racist, Abusive, Prostitute-Cavorting, Drunk-Driving, Pill-Popping, Cocaine-Snorting, Child-Endangering Mess of a Human Being [Updated]

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Ford will drink all fourteen of these beers in three minutes. Photo: Toronto Police Department

The way you hear Rob Ford tell it, his problems are limited to drinking too heavily on occasion and experimenting with crack — you know, just to try it. But new police documents released yesterday, which were compiled through interviews with staffers and other eyewitnesses, indicate that Rob Ford is simply, in every way imaginable, a human tornado of chaos and sleaze.

He Drives Drunk Near Schools:

According to Fickel, "the mayor pulled his car over (likely at a high school, was Fickel’s recollection) and grabbed an LCBO paper bag from in front of the passenger seat which contained a fresh bottle of vodka and drank the 11 or 12 oz. mickey in one-two minutes going back and forth with a Gatorade."

He's Racist:

On one occasion, Ford "took a cab to the bar and started calling the taxi driver a 'Paki', threw business cards at him and made mocking fake language sounds." Staffers also told investigators that Ford "avoided 'ethnic events' he was asked to attend."

He Fights His Staffers:

[T]he mayor allegedly pushed Mr. Provost down and 'raised his hand like he was going to punch him. The mayor then charged Mr. Barnett and pushed him against the wall and pulled his hand back like he was going to strike him.'

He Snorted Cocaine:

While at a bar, "some patrons, a bartender and the owner reported seeing" Ford do "a ‘bump’ off his wrist."

He Might Pop Oxy:

Mr. Ford’s former chief of staff Mark Towhey said he was told by Mr. Provost that the mayor was observed taking a “pill” he believed to be Oxycontin the night of St. Patrick’s Day.

He May Cavort With Prostitutes:

A woman present that night at city hall was rumoured to be a prostitute that Ford had previously been seen with at a stag.

He Informs Women That He's Going to Perform Oral Sex on Them:

During one of many drunken stupors, Ford told a former female staffer, "I’m going to eat you out," and "I banged your pussy." He then told a female security guard "that he 'was going to eat her box.'"

He Barely Works:

Staffers told police that Ford "kept light hours, typically working 11 a.m. to 3 p.m., and frequently disappeared for lengthy stretches of time." 

Update, 10:20 a.m.: Rob Ford told reporters that he's preparing to sue his former staffers, insisted that the alleged "prostitute" he was seen with is merely a friend, and denied the cunnilingus charges: "I would never do that. I'm happily married. I've got more than enough to eat at home." That happened. 

Update, 12:35 p.m.: Rob Ford is sorry for saying that thing about eating his wife's vagina. He — Rob Ford, the person who voluntarily made a remark about eating his wife's vagina — also requested that the media respect his family's privacy.