After one midtown precinct told local bars not to participate in the unholy event that is SantaCon, in which grown men wear costumes and drink their pain away, NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly insisted that SantaCon is part of "what makes New York New York." He couldn't be more wrong.
Attempting to find some middle ground, though, are a coalition of Manhattan politicians who are just requesting some decency: "SantaCon may be a short-term boon to a select group of local businesses," they said in a statement, "but it imparts many adverse impacts, such as vomiting in the streets, public urination, vandalism and littering." True, true, and true.
Unfortunately, while on the right side of history with regards to SantaCon's abuses, the politicians expressed their requests in the form of really bad Christmas puns:
"To avoid ending up on the naughty list again, SantaCon organizers must adopt these principles ..."
"If SantaCon's organizers want to spread cheer instead of fear in our neighborhoods this holiday season, they’ve got some work to do ..."
"Dress as Santa to go drinking if you must, but you’d BETTER be good, for goodness sake ..."
"We have made a list of guiding principles for this year’s SantaCon — and we’re checking it twice."
Make it stop, please. Make it all stop.