It was another embarrassing year to be an American who identifies with any state. Michiganders like to shift the blame onto Ohioans, New Yorkers side-eye New Jerseyans, and everyone else just blames Florida. But the truth is that all across this great nation, people are constantly humiliating themselves and their neighbors by, say, having sex with inanimate objects or attempting to barter reptiles for beer. (Yep: Ohio and Florida.) In an effort to be equal-opportunity offenders, we’ve compiled one SMH story from each — rated on our highly scientific Weird-o-Meter — running down the stupid crime, terrible decisions, and all-around nadirs of 2013.