While you were hung-over, Bill de Blasio was busy becoming the mayor of New York City. The Clintons, the Cuomos, a former Sex and the City star (Miranda), Susan Sarandon, and a grumpy-looking billionaire dreaming of the golf course were in attendance. A chaplain called the five boroughs a "plantation," Harry Belafonte referred to "our deeply Dickensian justice system," and everyone tried their damnedest to not look awkward.
Results were mixed.
"Comrades! I have resurrected this flag from the ashes of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics and added the word Manhattan."
"Andrew, Andrew, look over there, it's the year 2020! Have you met? You really should get acquainted."
"Seriously, Cynthia, this isn't the time to 'pull a Jennifer Lawrence,' whatever that means."
"We know, honey — you're still the most popular guy here. Mmhmm, no contest. I know. I know."