Jets Tight End Kellen Winslow Says He Was Looking for Boston Market, Not Masturbating in His Car, While High on Synthetic Weed

By
Photo: Richard C. Lewis/Icon SMI/Icon Sports Media

The November arrest of Jets tight end Kellen Winslow was already absurd — he was caught with synthetic marijuana in the parking lot of a New Jersey Target at 5:30 p.m. — but it just became a classic of the genre. According to the police report obtained by NJ.com, the witness who called 911 allegedly observed Winslow masturbating in his Cadillac Escalade:

>

As she exited her vehicle, she commented to the male regarding how cold it was. As she stood near the open driver side window of the Escalade, she observed the males [sic] erect penis. She stated that she believed he was masturbating.

The details get better from there:

  • When the cop asked Winslow what he was doing, Winslow allegedly said he was looking for Boston Market but was lost.”
  • The reporting officer observed “two open containers of Vaseline on his center console.”
  • Plus: “plastic bags marked ‘Mr. Happy’ and empty plastic containers of ‘Funky Monkey’ scattered throughout the vehicle.”

Another job well done.