Legalize This Now!

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Looking shady. Perfectly legal. At least we hope. Photo: Meg Roussos/Getty Images

Did you get the memo? It’s legalization week! The New York Times is calling for legal pot. Slate is calling for legal prostitution. Gawker is calling for the legalization of all illicit drugs. And here at New York, we have a few calls of our own.

Insider Trading
Upside: Information disseminates into the market much faster.
Downside: Jerkbags with “hot tips” become omnipresent; Martha went to jail for nothing.

Gay Marriage
Upside: Love conquers all!
Downside: So many more weddings to go to, so many more gifts to buy, so much more business for divorce attorneys.

Building Tall Buildings
Upside: Lower real estate prices.
Downside: Makes things toooooo easy for Godzilla.

Crack
Upside: Burden of law enforcement falls disproportionately on snobby cocaine users.
Downside: Increased crack use.

Organ Selling
Upside: Good-bye, waiting list for a new kidney.
Downside: Organs become the new inequality frontier.

Letting Your 7-Year-Old Go to the Park by Himself When It Is Light Out
Upside: Healthier kids, happier parents, shamed nosey-nancies.
Downside: More crowded parks.

Hair-Braiding Without a License
Upside: Cheap braids!
Downside: Disasters like this.

Jail-Breaking Your Smartphone
Upside: Your phone is well and truly yours. The carriers lose.
Downside: You have to figure out how to jail-break your phone.

Eating Dogs and Horses
Upside: Delicious!
Downside: Woof.

Running a Red Light When There Is Nobody Else Around
Upside: Faster trips, less wasted gas.
Downside: No exciting rush from sneaking through an intersection in the witching hour.

Polygamy
Upside: Uncle Sam gets out of your bedroom.
Downside: Increased shame around not being able to find one spouse, let alone three.

Filming Animal Abuse
Upside: Save the cows
Downside: More sad cow videos.

Cutting the Tags Off of Mattresses
Upside: A more minimalist mattress look.  
Downside: Peril, trauma, murder, and war.