New York Magazine Competition No. 29: Ancient Seinfeld


Welcome back to the New York Magazine Competition. On alternate Mondays, we lay out a challenge and offer a sample responses. Enter in the comments section, or on Twitter with the hashtag we've provided, and the editors will select a winner. Criteria are highly subjective, but heavily retweeted and favorited posts will have an advantage. The prize is a year's subscription to New York in print or a two-year subscription to the iPad edition (winner's choice). Full rules are here.

COMPETITION NO. 29: ANCIENT SEINFELD. Please supply a line or scenario from a very early Seinfeld episode. For example:

Seize him! Giddyap!”

“We Hebrew slaves, the rest of us,
 seek to attend the Feast of Festivus.”

“No primordial soup for you!”

“Her face could launch a thousand ships. But her man-hands …”

Enter in the comments thread on’s Daily Intelligencer, or on Twitter with the hashtag #ancientseinfeld, by September 3.

RESULTS OF COMPETITION NO. 28: MOVIES WITH DESSERT, in which you were asked for a title that might make filmgoers want a treat.


The Mallomars Men

Cat on a Hot Fudge Sundae

My Best Friend’s Pudding

He’s Just Not That Into Yoo-hoo

Planet of the Crepes

Mr. Holland’s Donuts


Guess Who’s Staying for Dessert

À bout de soufflé

Almost Famous Amos

What About Babka?


A Clockwork Orange Julius

Inglourious Custerds

Jawbreaker Morant


Mr. Smith Goes to Washington; Leaves After Discovering They Have No Dunkin’ Donuts

Little Shop of Ho Ho’s

Rosemary’s Baby Ruth

I, Clafoutis

The Malt in Our Stars


The Eclair Strikes Back

Return of the Jello

The Phantom Mentos

Love in the Time of Coffeecake


Bob and Carol and Ben and Jerry