New York Magazine Competition No. 37: Christmas Exposés

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Welcome back to the New York Magazine Competition. On alternate Mondays, we lay out a challenge and offer a sample responses. Enter in the comments section, or on Twitter with the hashtag we’ve provided, and the editors will select a winner. Criteria are highly subjective, but heavily retweeted and favorited posts will have an advantage. The prize is a year’s subscription to New York in print or a two-year subscription to the iPad edition (winner’s choice). Full rules are here.

COMPETITION NO. 37: CHRISTMAS EXPOSÉS: Please offer the tabloid approach to a familiar holiday carol or theme. For example:

Rudolph: “I Just Wanted to Be Liked”

Hey, Kids, I Started Smoking That Corncob Pipe at 10, and Now I’m Dead”

Joseph to Maury: “I’m Not the Father!”

A One-Horse Open Sleigh of Misery: PETA Speaks Out

Enter on Twitter with the hashtag #tabloidxmas, or in the comments thread below, by December 23.

RESULTS OF COMPETITION NO. 36, “MISPLACED EMPHASIS,”  in which you were asked for a phrase or title given new meaning by its delivery.

HONORABLE MENTION TO:

Hell is other people?
—jimczajka

That’s what?” she said.
—RustyShackelford

We report you.
Decide!
—bobpiano

Always leave them, laughing as you say good-bye.
—Periclescrystal

Will, you still love me?”
“Tomorrow.”
—KathleenS

That’s one smallll step … for a MAN.
ggreg

No, Justice, no! Peace.
—jade7243

Cool hand, Luke.
—chris.kaiser

From: Rags
To: Riches
—gianna13

What is this thing called, love?
—@VMMoncrieff

Doctor? Nooooo!
—Lexxman

Anyway, the wind blows. Doesn’t really matter to me.
—@debfreedman1

Experience is the best, teacher ;)
—jack4713

A penny? For your thoughts?
—@DebPoppel

You? You’re driving me? (Crazy!)
fcabarbie

Where in the world is Carmen?”
“San Diego!”
AR5000

Now is the winter of our dis. Content?
—BobKopac

Show a little, class.
—riverhawk

I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
Hey_Joe

Live free or die?
—AlienIncognito

Happiness is not a—
GOOOOOAAL!!!
—MiddleCoastDan

It had to be you?
—Mlynne

AND THE WINNER IS:

All the presidents? Men.
—susiekey