CNN Uncovers Horrifying White House–Jay Z Texting Conspiracy

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Photo: @BarackObama/Twitter

CNN, the cable news network that still somehow lets Don Lemon do stuff, has uncovered a terrible conspiracy that threatens to tear at the very fabric of American democracy. Ha-ha, nah, they just think Jay Z lied about texting President Obama.

On Thursday night’s episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live, Obama said he uses a BlackBerry to email, but never texts. Sensing a scheme was afoot, CNN immediately dug back into rap mogul Jay Z’s previous comments about his BFF Obama and discovered that he had referenced texting him. In fact, in his song “On to the Next One,” Jay Z brags he’s got “Obama on the text.”

How could this be if Obama doesn’t text? Was Jay Z exaggerating his relationship with Obama to get famous, since he is an unknown nobody struggling for national recognition? Never mind that Jay Z is married to a woman who has more fans than there are people who voted in the 2012 presidential election.

CNN, may we suggest you consult a llama on this one?