A Glossary of Spring Weather to Dread

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Photo: Jacobs Stock Photography/Getty Images

New York’s weather forecast for the rest of the week promises mild, springlike temperatures — today it’s supposedly even going up to 63, which basically guarantees you’ll spot some eager weirdo sporting flip-flops on the train. But with winter almost in the rear-view, we have several other atmospheric conditions and weather-related issues we can look forward to enduring. Behold, the Spring Weather Glossary.

Dampening: Precipitation that falls when it’s too warm to wear a raincoat but too wet outside to eschew one, resulting in sweating that makes you wetter than the rain would have.

Humidageddon: Air so dense and humid you can feel like you’re breathing underwater. Your hair’s a frizzy mess and your makeup magically comes off before you even get to the subway. If you have asthma, humidageddon guarantees you’ll be puffing on that inhaler all day long.

Layer Malaise: When it’s cool in the mornings and evenings but warm in the middle of the day, breaking out a bunch of layers becomes a necessity. But the arduous process of peeling off pieces of clothing every time the sun shifts in the sky can quickly lead to layer malaise. Also known as “Haven’t You Ever Lived in San Francisco?” 

Pollen Vortex: The dreaded enemy of anyone who’s ever suffered from allergies. A deadly cold winter leads to a delayed allergy season, when suddenly all the trees release their pollen at once, causing Duane Reades to sell out of Allegra and New Yorkers to legally wed their neti pots.

Seasonal Bipolar Disorder: A common illness that leads people to prefer their house to be 75 degrees when it is cold out, and 60 degrees when it is hot out.

Snowstalgia: Occurs on the first day over 90 degrees, which always happens at least one month before you think the lovely mildness of spring is scheduled to end. The streets empty of people; those few remaining look addled and are panting and covered in sweat. Those afflicted have a sudden desire to go sledding or plunge their face into a sno-cone.

Subway Swamp Syndrome: The effect of moist spring air mixing with underground elements of New York’s disgusting subway stations; why you look like a wet rat when you emerge from the subway, even if it’s not raining out.

Weather Thirst Disorder: A serious condition afflicting those who prematurely sport spring trends. Desperate to break out their open-toed shoes or light spring jackets, you can catch them shivering against the cold. Side effects include the common cold, hives.