Competition No. 45: Twin Peaks Without David Lynch


Welcome back to the New York Magazine Competition. On alternate Mondays, we lay out a challenge and offer a sample responses. Enter in the comments section, or on Twitter with the hashtag we’ve provided, and the editors will select a winner. Criteria are highly subjective, but heavily retweeted and favorited posts will have an advantage. The prize is a year’s subscription to New York in print or a two-year subscription to the iPad edition (winner’s choice). Full rules are here.

COMPETITION NO. 45: “TWIN PEAKS WITHOUT DAVID LYNCH.” Given the recent news that Neflix’s reboot of the eccentric TV series may proceed without its creator, please supply a vision for Twin Peaks under another showrunner. For example:

LENA DUNHAM: Damn fine coffee is served by self-obsessed barista wearing fifties pinafore that she thrifted herself.

MARTIN SCORSESE: Laura Palmer’s body turns up in an oil drum in Queens.

TED CRUZ: Reboot canceled before it starts; it’s set in a coastal state that always trends blue, not worth the resources.

HARVEY WEINSTEIN: Emphasis will be on that nice gal Audrey.

Enter on Twitter with the hashtag #twinpeaksafterdavidlynch, or in the comments thread below, by April 15.

RESULTS OF COMPETITION NO. 44: “REPLACE A WORD WITH KITTEN,” in which you were asked to modify a familiar phrase, title, or aphorism accordingly.


I ate his kitten with some fava beans and a nice chianti.”

They Shoot Kittens, Don’t They?

A batch of kittens from Hillary Clinton’s private account raise questions about some of her recent assertions.”

Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word ‘kitten’ that I wasn’t previously aware of. “

Do not attempt. Performed by a trained professional kitten on a closed course.

Listen to them. Kittens of the night. What music they make.”

Go get the kitten.”

Who Moved My Kitten?

I AM big–it’s the kittens that got small.”

Familiarity breeds kittens.

In the future every kitten will be world-famous for fifteen minutes.”

Say hello to my little kitten.”

My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my kitten.  Prepare to die.”

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a kitten.”

All happy kittens are alike; each unhappy kitten is unhappy in its own way.”

I come to bury kittens, not to praise them.”

Two scoops of kitten in every box.”

Benjamin, I have one word for you….kittens.”

These kittens are making me thirsty.”

Leave the gun, take the kitten.”

But you don’t understand, Osgood.  I’m a kitten!”
“Well, nobody’s perfect.”

Never go against a kitten when death is on the line!”

I did not have sexual relations with that kitten.”

I remember every detail. The Germans wore gray, you wore kittens.”

Is the kitten half-full or half-empty?”

Let them eat kittens!”

The love of kittens is the root of all evil.

Get your stinking paws off me you damn, dirty kitten!

Against kittens, the gods themselves contend in vain.”

Kitten is a dish best served cold.”

If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitten.

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kittens!”


Only kittens could go to China.”


We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the kitten.

Competition No. 45: Twin Peaks Without Lynch