Competition No. 45: Twin Peaks Without David Lynch

By
Image

Welcome back to the New York Magazine Competition. On alternate Mondays, we lay out a challenge and offer a sample responses. Enter in the comments section, or on Twitter with the hashtag we’ve provided, and the editors will select a winner. Criteria are highly subjective, but heavily retweeted and favorited posts will have an advantage. The prize is a year’s subscription to New York in print or a two-year subscription to the iPad edition (winner’s choice). Full rules are here.

COMPETITION NO. 45: “TWIN PEAKS WITHOUT DAVID LYNCH.” Given the recent news that Neflix’s reboot of the eccentric TV series may proceed without its creator, please supply a vision for Twin Peaks under another showrunner. For example:

LENA DUNHAM: Damn fine coffee is served by self-obsessed barista wearing fifties pinafore that she thrifted herself.

MARTIN SCORSESE: Laura Palmer’s body turns up in an oil drum in Queens.

TED CRUZ: Reboot canceled before it starts; it’s set in a coastal state that always trends blue, not worth the resources.

HARVEY WEINSTEIN: Emphasis will be on that nice gal Audrey.

Enter on Twitter with the hashtag #twinpeaksafterdavidlynch, or in the comments thread below, by April 15.

RESULTS OF COMPETITION NO. 44: “REPLACE A WORD WITH KITTEN,” in which you were asked to modify a familiar phrase, title, or aphorism accordingly.

HONORABLE MENTION TO:

I ate his kitten with some fava beans and a nice chianti.”
—alanmarkgreenspan

They Shoot Kittens, Don’t They?
—rmtmiller

A batch of kittens from Hillary Clinton’s private account raise questions about some of her recent assertions.”
@kimbopiaggins 

Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word ‘kitten’ that I wasn’t previously aware of. “
@IMPERIOjp_MIAMI
 

Do not attempt. Performed by a trained professional kitten on a closed course.
—ggreg

Listen to them. Kittens of the night. What music they make.”
—BobKopac

Go get the kitten.”
—kaboomm 

Who Moved My Kitten?
@Kingpear 

I AM big–it’s the kittens that got small.”
—Ninasphere 

Familiarity breeds kittens.
—KathleenS 

In the future every kitten will be world-famous for fifteen minutes.”
—Dylan111 

Say hello to my little kitten.”
—Lexxman 

My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my kitten.  Prepare to die.”
—onvacation 

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a kitten.”
BENLINUS99 

All happy kittens are alike; each unhappy kitten is unhappy in its own way.”
—ladylaw 

I come to bury kittens, not to praise them.”
—alme 

Two scoops of kitten in every box.”
—raker 

Benjamin, I have one word for you….kittens.”
—RustyShackelford

These kittens are making me thirsty.”
—Gabegirl 

Leave the gun, take the kitten.”
ECW 

But you don’t understand, Osgood.  I’m a kitten!”
“Well, nobody’s perfect.”
—hoipolloi 

Never go against a kitten when death is on the line!”
NY8 

I did not have sexual relations with that kitten.”
—clippityclop 

I remember every detail. The Germans wore gray, you wore kittens.”
—rmtmiller

Is the kitten half-full or half-empty?”
—gianna13

Let them eat kittens!”
—queasyrider 

The love of kittens is the root of all evil.
—Miss_Priss 

Get your stinking paws off me you damn, dirty kitten!
—JDuggar 

Against kittens, the gods themselves contend in vain.”
—rgqueen 

Kitten is a dish best served cold.”
—Classicist 

If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitten.
—FlirtySanchez 

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kittens!”
—Hey_Joe 

I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERF-ING KITTENS ON THIS MOTHERF-ING PLANE!
—OldYeller62 

Only kittens could go to China.”
—yanksfan6129 

AND THE WINNER IS:

We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the kitten.
—HudsonRiver