Old Upper East Siders: Give Us Liberty From New Apple Store or Give Us Death

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The rich people of the Upper East Side will not have an Apple Store besmirch the good name of Madison Avenue. The Wall Street Journal reports NIMBY-happy residents are organizing — undoubtedly over the finest bottle of wine — to protest the opening of a new Apple retail location on 74th and Madison.

Longtime residents of the well-heeled neighborhood believe the new Apple store will attract noise, crowds and — *whispers* — maybe even poor people to their utopian enclave.

Madison Avenue has been a fine retail corridor that doesn’t generate the crowds that Apple does,” one 89-year-old owner of a five-story townhouse told the Journal. “The Whitney didn’t do that at all except for Friday events, but it was a dignified line. No shouting, no screaming, no tents, no sleeping bags, no barbecues.”

He also added that the Upper East Side is “the finest neighborhood in New York” and for people “who have made it,” so I fear he will not be inviting any of us to his home for dinner anytime soon.

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Upper East Siders Angry About New Apple Store