Diplomats Assembling Great List of Tips for Evading Pot-Hating Federal Government

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A man holds a giant marijuana joint during the World Day for the Legalization of Marijuana in Medellin, Antioquia department, Colombia on May 3, 2014.  AFP PHOTO/Raul ARBOLEDA        (Photo credit should read RAUL ARBOLEDA/AFP/Getty Images)
Photo: Raul Arboleda/AFP/Getty Images

If you happen to enjoy taking advantage of decriminalized or legal marijuana in Colorado, Washington, and D.C. but also want to be a public servant, the New York Times has some handy information for you. Most federal employment opportunities — especially those at the FBI and similar agencies that involve intense background checks — come with a drug test and a requirement that you remain drug-free while employed. A few places, such as the National Park Service and the State Department, aren’t quite so stern. Diplomat John — who remained surname-less in the story for obvious reasons — argued that being able to pass his drug test actually provides proof that he is immensely qualified for his job. “Delaying something is part of what a good diplomat is supposed to know how to do. If you can’t put off a test for two weeks, I mean, come on.”

Those hoping to interview for top jobs in government and still grow marijuana plants won’t find any helpful tips here — becoming president still requires you to bashfully admit that you once smoked marijuana a long time ago and that it was a very bad idea, or proudly declare that you never touched the stuff.