New York Competition No. 51: Scalia’s Other Job

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Welcome back to the New York Magazine Competition. On alternate Mondays, we lay out a challenge and offer a sample responses. Enter in the comments section, or on Twitter with the hashtag we’ve provided, and the editors will select a winner. Criteria are highly subjective, but heavily retweeted and favorited posts will have an advantage. The prize is a year’s subscription to New York in print or a two-year subscription to the iPad edition (winner’s choice). Full rules are here.

COMPETITION NO. 51: “SCALIA’S OTHER JOB.” Please suggest a bit of commentary that might have been written by the Honorable Antonin Scalia had he chosen another profession. For example:

CABBIE: “No way. I’m not taking anything named for FDR.”

CARDIOLOGIST: “A ‘pacemaker,’ until comparatively recently, referred to a method of regulating the speed of one’s step. So I have decided that, instead of implanting this device in the patient’s chest, we will put it in his foot.”


NURSERY-SCHOOL TEACHER: “This snack plan is pure applesauce.”

KAYAKER: “You all made a terrible decision back there, and if I have anything to say about it, we will neither row nor wade.”

VETERINARIAN: “It’s nothing to worry about. A little frothing at the mouth is perfectly normal.”

Enter on Twitter with the hashtag #scaliasotherjob, or in the comments thread below, by July 8.

RESULTS OF COMPETITION NO. 50: “ADD AN L,” in which you were asked for a familiar title, altered by the addition of a single L. 

HONORABLE MENTION TO:

LOL’ Man River
—ragman1940 

Tinkler, Tailor, Soldier, Spy
—@Nereid1212 

Drivel, He Said
HudsonRiver 

Ode to Billy Joel
BENLINUS99 

Tiltanic
@BoberPeter 

Dalai Llama
rmtmiller

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towlers
@MorganCEM

Normal Rae
Ninasphere

How I Melt Your Mother
alanmarkgreenspan

Chris Rock: Bring the Palin
BobKopac

Angela’s Lashes
gianna13

Slay Anything
rgqueen

Howl to Win Friends and Influence People
onvacation

All About Evel
@lovehowto

Condi Rice: My Years with Blush
j_son

Love With A Proper Strangler
RustyShackelford

Letting Anal Go
rgqueen

L’Orange is the New Black
Gabegirl

Black in Black
Wallfly

The Cloven
@KevRant

AND THE WINNER IS:

The Human Stalin
Hal10034