A Major, Super-Classy List of Donald Trump’s Favorite Words and Phrases, for Everyone Who Is Not a Loser


Armed with Twitter and a growing band of converts, capitalism-powered perpetual-motion performance artist Donald Trump is still the Republican front-runner as the year comes to a close. So far his platform consists of promising to “make America great again,” although he has yet to discuss exactly how this will happen if he’s elected — although it is clear that it involves a lot of bombing and feats of strength. 

Luckily, Trump is an expert at diversions, and his campaign antics have drawn attention away from any real issues. When you have a set of memorized insults and outlandish claims at your disposal, concrete details are overrated.

We’ve compiled a list — now in its second edition — of his favorite words and phrases. Don’t bother using them sparingly — repetition is key. 

This glossary has been updated. 

(adj.): The opposite of a loser. See

Ailes, Roger (n.): Great, a special guy, a good friend who runs a sometimes awful and unfair media organization. We spoke only two minutes ago. 

The Art of the Deal (n.): The best-selling guide to thinking big; required reading for all presidential candidates; the second-greatest book of all time. See Bible.

(n.): Something that “many, many others on top of the business world” do; sometimes a “fantastic deal”; “really just a technical thing”; it’s not “a failure, it’s a success.”

Batman (n.): See Donald Trump.

belt buckle (n.): Something that definitely wouldn’t stop a knife.

Bible (n.): The greatest book, even better than No. 1 best seller The Art of the Deal; “just incredible.”

bing bing bong bong bing bing bing (n.): The sound lobbyists make when they are controlling the losers that run this country.

brand (n.): Something that is super-classy and worth billions; an indescribable natural wonder that compels people to buy Donald Trump–brand water; a priceless commodity measured by the ever-changing weather patterns of Donald Trump’s feelings.

Brand, Russell (n): Major loser; the wrong type of brand.

buffoon (n.): A word low-energy people allegedly use to describe winners like Donald Trump. See clown, low-energy.

Bush, George (n.): “Probably the worst president in the history of the United States.”

Bush, Jeb (n.): “A very, very low-energy person.

Carson, Ben (n.): Someone who has a “pathological disease”; someone whom Donald Trump likes. 

China (n.): One of the reasons America is not great; a word that must be uttered Carrie Mathison style — your entire face must look like it is chewing a piece of gum.

Citizen Kane (n.): The best movie.

civilly (adv.): How to treat people who don’t attack you first.

classy (adj.): Anything topped with mahogany; any and all golf courses owned and operated by Donald Trump; anything generally excellent; the necklace you give your third wife.

Clinton, Hillary (n.): Someone who “lies like crazy” but not enough to not invite her to your wedding or give her campaign donations. 

clown (n.): A word that haters and losers use to describe great guys like Donald Trump. See New York Daily News.

Cruz, Ted (n.): Someone who agrees with Donald Trump “100 percent” and might make a great vice-president. 

(n.): Someone with great genes whom you might date if she weren’t related to you.

debates (n.): Super boring discussions that are too long that no one would watch if Trump weren’t involved. 

Democratic Party (n.) A political organization Donald Trump identified with in 2004; a political platform he would like to squash in 2016.

deviant (n.): Anyone dumb enough to misunderstand Donald Trump’s good intentions; someone who makes menstruation jokes, e.g., Erick Erickson.

Drudge, Matt (n.): A fantastic guy.

The Drudge Report (n.): The best website.

(n.): Something winners have and 
losers don’t.

English (n.): The language you should speak in the United States; the language in which you say, “Make America great again.” See China, Mexicans.

(adj.): Linguistic seasoning that turns sentences into quotes. See quotes, huge, loser.

Fox News (n.): The backstabbing loser.

going to the bathroom (v.): Something that is “disgusting.

golf (n.): A super-luxury game for classy people; something Donald Trump definitely doesn’t cheat at.

GOP (n.): An acronym where none of the letters stand for Trump, at least not yet; a weak entity that is defenseless against schemes to make America great again.

got schlonged (v.): A way to explain what happened to Hillary Clinton in the 2008 presidential election that is not currently endorsed by any linguistic or political scholar; according to Merriam-Webster, a vulgar slang word for penis. 

great (adj.): The equivalent of “um” or “ah.”

great again (state of being): America under President Trump.

great athlete (n.): Tom Brady, Matt Harvey.

great guy (n.): Tom Brady, John McCain, Jeff Sessions, Jerry Jones, Mark Cuban, Roger Ailes, Bill O’Reilly, Mike Ditka, Rush Limbaugh, Carl Icahn, Reince Priebus, and Jeff Zucker. See Matt Drudge.

(state of being): A Cubist sculpture that defies the laws of physics and adds billions to Donald Trump’s brand.

haters and losers (n.): People who fail to recognize that Trump and super-classy are synonyms; the intended audience of 75 percent of Donald Trump tweets. See tweet.

Head & Shoulders (n.): The best shampoo.

huge (adj.): Impossible to ignore; a great adjective.

huge(ly) class(y) (adj.): A generally excellent thing that is impossible to ignore. See Donald Trump.

(n.): Undocumented immigrants that “have to go”; criminals spreading Ebola; the people you have to build a wall to keep out. See immigrants.

immigrants (n.): Drug runners; luxury-hotel builders; possibly the people doing the raping.

ISIS (n.): An awful terrorist organization that will be in “such trouble” when President Trump takes “them out so fast.”

(n.): Negotiators, just like Donald Trump; people who want to control politicians with all their money.

Jones, Alex (n.): A person whose reputation is amazing.

journalists who write about Donald Trump (n.): People without great writing ability who are also not best-selling authors; dishonest slobs who don’t understand sarcasm; people whom Donald Trump would not have murderedSee loser.

Kelly, Megyn
(n.): A
bimbo; someone who asks really unfair debate questions.

(n.): An inconsequential person. See

loser (n.): Everyone who disagrees with Donald Trump; a person who is rendered useless by his inability to help increase the value of Donald Trump’s brand; what Donald Trump will be if he doesn’t win the 2016 presidential election.

love (v.): A synonym for met once or know, but far more succinct. Should preface most insults, criticisms, and compliments, in order to give them more weight — or at least increase the value of your brand.

low-energy (adj.): Description for Republican presidential candidates who aren’t Donald Trump — but are also not low enough in the polls to be called losers.

Merry Christmas: Something that Americans will say all the time during the Trump administration.

Mexicans (n.): Rapists, criminals, or good people.

Mexico wall (n.): An easy, inexpensive fix to keep undocumented immigrants out of the U.S.; something that does not exist but that will be big and beautiful and have a big and beautiful door; something that Mexico will pay for.

Miss Universe Pageant (n.): An event that worked far better when Donald Trump owned it. 

Monopoly (n.): A game that is not Trump the Game and should thus be fired.

moron (n.) See loser.

mosques (n.): Places of worship that we should maybe close and definitely keep an eye on

Muslims (n.): An entire group of people that should be completely banned for entering the U.S.; “wonderful people,” many of whom are friends with Trump.

New Jersey (n.): Where thousands of Muslim-Americans cheered after 9/11 — something that has never been proved by contemporary news reports. 

New York Daily News (n.): A loser newspaper.

(adj.): A super-luxury hair color; the color of a radiant sunbeam emanating from the brains of classy people that looks best combed forward until it reaches your nose, and then folded back.

Obama, Barack (n.): An overrated world leader who may or may not have been born in the United States, no one really knows.

overrated (adj.): A word that describes most haters and losers; all ideas Donald Trump disagrees with.

Pattinson, Robert
(n.): A classy actor who
should not date Kristen Stewart.

people who tweet “Fuckface Von Clownstick (n.): Haters and losers who think they are so original. See haters and losers.

political donations (n.): Wedding invitations.

polls (n.): Daily Donald Trump Christmas presents; a reflection of Donald Trump’s ego; the truth; evidence that proves the superiority of truly classy people.

protesters (n.): People who are not classy, “very obnoxious,” and loud, who maybe deserve to be “roughed up.”

Putin, Vladimir (n.): Someone President Trump would have a great relationship with who is definitely a way better leader than Barack Obama. 

(n.): Donald Trump’s greatest natural resource.

real estate
(n.): A way to make money that is solid, tangible, artistic, and beautiful. A great way to get your name on tall buildings. 

refugees (n.): Maybe terrorists in disguise; maybe “one of the great Trojan horses.”

Roosevelt, Franklin Delano (n.): A president who is highly respected and who people name highways after; someone who did what he needed to during war; a leader who shows that banning all Muslims isn’t a bad idea. See Muslims.

Rubio, Marco (n.): Someone who is “weak like a baby” and sweaty.

running as an independent (n.): A super-luxury bargaining chip; a way to Inception into Reince Priebus’s dreams to give him nightmares.

(n.): See loser.

something terrific (adj.): What President Trump will replace Obamacare with.

space (n.): Something that is “terrific,” especially in the old days, but is now less important than potholes.

Starbucks (n.): A coffee purveyor that great Americans should maybe boycott.

steak (n.): A slab of dead cow that becomes classy when you add the prefix Trump; a source of expensive energy that helps convert fat into ideas that raise the stakes; the subject of the classiest ad campaign of all time.

super-luxury (adj.): More classy than luxury, but not as hugely classy as super-super-luxury.

(n.): Donald Trump’s net worth, according to Donald Trump.

terrific (adj.): A word that compresses the sublime classiness of Donald Trump’s ideas and friends into three syllables. 

the (art.): A definite article placed before given names to add billions to your brand.

total loser (n.): Frank Luntz, Karl Rove, Rosie O’Donnell.  

tremendous (adj.): A verbal bedazzler that turns any regular old statement or policy idea into one of the greatest ideas of all time. 

Trump, Donald (state of being): “The very definition of the American success story“; the healthiest person who would ever be elected to the presidency.

tweet (n.): A political platform; a way to call out losers; tweet (v.): To strike fear in the hearts of one’s opponents.

$2.9 billion (n.): Donald Trump’s net worth, according to financial documents.

(adj.): See

unbelievable (adj.): Something that is believable, but also amazing.

very pro-choice (adj.):
Donald Trump’s opinion on abortion in 1999

very, very strong (adj.): A word that describes how President Trump will be on every single issue

vodka (n.): Something that is not super-premium unless you attach the prefix Trump; something used to make Trump-and-tonics and Trumptinis; a failed business idea that did not prove to be “success distilled.”

war hero
(n.): Someone who doesn’t get captured.

the war in Iraq (n.): Something that Donald Trump always knew was a bad idea after it started.

the war against ISIS (n.): Something that President Donald Trump would win by bombing the shit out of terrorists and knocking the hell out of them and killing militants’ families

Washington (n.): A dump.

waterboarding (n.): Something that terrorists deserve, even if it doesn’t work. 

West, Kanye (n.): A much better person than most people think.

Wharton School of Finance (n.): “The hardest, or one of the hardest schools to get into.”

wherever (n.): The female anatomy.

whine (v.): Something winners do to win.

winning (n.): The only word that will exist under President Trump, which seems like it might be monotonous, but you definitely won’t get bored.

women (n.): “Cow,” “pig,” “animal,” “grotesque”; “disgusting”; the sex Donald Trump cherishes and wants to help more than any other candidate.

(n.): Definitely not 
why Donald Trump is leading the GOP race in recent polls, no sir, absolutely not, Trump loves Japan, China, and Mexico. See immigrants, Mexicans.

(n.): The only word people should use when talking with Donald Trump, if they know what’s good for them.

(adj.): The number of
chances Carly Fiorina has to win the Republican nomination; the probability that someone who is worth less than Trump’s Gucci store will become president.