Scott Stockert, arguably the most black-hearted villain alive, was arrested Wednesday night for plotting to kidnap the Obamas’ two dogs, NBC reports. Stockert was holed up at a Hampton Inn in D.C. when authorities caught up with him, thanks to a tip-off from the Secret Service’s Minnesota field office. They arrested him and hauled him in for questioning, thus sparing the Obama family heartache and tears at the disappearance of their beloved pet. (It’s not clear whether Stockert planned to kidnap Sunny or Bo Obama; both are Portuguese water dogs.)
Stockert didn’t go quietly, reportedly telling agents, “You picked the wrong person to mess with. I will fuck your world up.” He also claimed to be Jesus Christ, so he could do that if he wanted to, I guess. Stockert said he was in D.C. to announce his 2016 presidential bid and to campaign for a $99-per-month public health-care plan.
We can only assume he’d be running as a Republican, given the amount of heavy ammunition discovered in his possession at the time of his arrest. His truck, which was parked at the Hampton Inn, contained “a 12-gauge pump shotgun, a bolt-action rifle, 289 rounds of .22-caliber long-rifle bullets, 71 rounds of 12-gauge shotgun ammunition, two rounds of .223 rifle ammunition, a machete with a 12-inch blade, and an 18-inch bully club,” NBC writes.
According to Politico, a spokesperson for the U.S. Attorney’s Office said a judge had released Stockert into "high-risk supervision pending a later court date." He’s not allowed near the White House or the Capitol, and he’s forbidden from possessing any weapons. No First Dog has been at such immediate risk since Lyndon Johnson went around picking up the family beagle by the ears.