Last night, a group of people who will never be president and have nothing better to do with their lives than run for president gathered in New Hampshire. No, Rick Santorum wasn’t there. Nope, Martin O’Malley either. Jim Gilmore wasn’t even there.
No, this was a forum for people who have even less of a chance of being president than the people who have only one percent in the polls.
It was the Lesser-Known Candidates Forum, a tradition that the country’s first-primary state has gleefully hosted since 1972. There were 23 candidates, including …
… this guy who looks like Louis C.K. …
… one guy who is pretty sure Ted Cruz isn’t a natural-born citizen …
… a person trying really, really hard to pander to New Hampshire …
… and this candidate who wants to send Hillary to Gitmo.
According to the Concord Monitor, “One man was accused of using anti-Semitic language while addressing a judge. Another had a list of accomplishments in the international world of chess, a fact he reminded an audience of perhaps 75 people over and over and over again.”
William McGaughey from Minneapolis wants ”dignity for white people” and a 32-hour workweek, per the Union Leader, while Tim Cook from North Carolina — who is all for banning Muslims — “honestly think[s] if I was in the polls, I would be on the debate.” Eric Elbot from Massachusetts, who was wearing a red, white, and blue striped shirt, told the audience, per ABC News, “when you come to see me [at the White House], you get to stay in the Lincoln Bedroom!” He was the fourth candidate to register for the New Hampshire primary back in November, and was reportedly rushed out of the office quickly, as Trump was about to arrive. Many of the candidates seemed certain that this could be their year. As one noted, “This is the year that people are seriously looking at other candidates — the non-professional politician.”
While the fringe-candidate forum was taking place in New Hampshire, the Republican front-runner was getting an endorsement from Sarah Palin. She told the crowd:
He is from the private sector, not a politician, can I get a ‘Hallelujah!’ Where, in the private sector, you actually have to balance budgets in order to prioritize, to keep the main thing, the main thing, and he knows the main thing: a president is to keep us safe economically and militarily. He knows the main thing, and he knows how to lead the charge. So troops, hang in there, because help’s on the way because he, better than anyone, isn’t he known for being able to command, fire! Are you ready for a commander-in-chief, you ready for a commander-in-chief who will let our warriors do their job and go kick ISIS ass?
Every single one of the 23 candidates deciding that it would be a good idea to run for president despite the fact that they had no supporters, money, or a platform were older white men.
Outside the auditorium, there was a man with a long beard and a boot on his head who wasn’t allowed inside — even though he will probably get more votes than all of the other candidates debating inside combined.
His name is Vermin Supreme, and he says he’s been running in the New Hampshire primary since 1992. At the last forum, in 2012, he glitter-bombed one of his opponents during closing statements. “I stood up and told them Jesus told me to make Randall Terry gay and I dumped tons and tons of glitter on his head,” he told Foster’s Daily Democrat earlier this week, after noting that he thinks Harry Potter and the increasing acceptance of wizards has done wonders for his popularity. “It was pretty wild.”
Since glitter is a pain to clean up, he wasn’t invited back.
If elected, he still promises to give everyone free ponies. However, Foster’s notes, “The glitter and the ponies made him a hit and his pony platform has expanded. As he talks about pony junk bonds, and the federal pony reserve, and pony equity, reading between the lines one hears his criticisms of current fiscal policy.”