The Republican Front-runner Just Assured America His Penis Is Large Indeed

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Presidential Candidate Donald Trump Holds Virginia Campaign Rally
This man's penis is not a problem.Photo: Andrew Harrer/© 2016 Bloomberg Finance LP

Donald Trump just put to rest the single greatest anxiety that voters had about his fitness for the Oval Office. Last week, Florida senator Marco Rubio argued that the Republican front-runner was a con man, who, by plastering his name across many enormous phallic structures, had duped the American people into thinking his penis was not unusually small.

He’s always calling me ‘little Marco,’” Rubio said, while reading Trump’s Twitter feed at a rally in Virgina. “I’ll admit he’s taller than me. He’s like 6’2’’, which is why I don’t understand why his hands are the size of someone who’s 5’2’’. Have you seen his hands? And you know what they say about men with small hands?”

At Thursday night’s GOP debate in Detroit, Trump met the most substantive attack on his candidacy head on.

I have to say this: He hit my hands. No one has ever hit my hands. Look at those hands, are those small hands?” Trump said, proudly displaying his stubby paws. “And he referred to my hands as if, if they’re small, something else may be small. I guarantee to you there’s no problem, I guarantee!”

Yuge.