Owen Ellickson, a writer and producer whose credits include The Office, Superstore, and Other Space, spent much of the presidential campaign tweeting revealingly false missives from inside Trumpland. Now, he has acquired a trove of leaked documents from inside the Trump White House, which Daily Intelligencer will publish over time as a series. We caution you that these documents are, as yet, unverified.
4-28-17 3:51 AM EST
Subject: 100-day ideas
From: Reince Priebus <firstname.lastname@example.org>
To: da boyz [list]
Just got woken up by an angry call from DT — he’s stewing about the 100-day deadline. Kept saying they’re trying to make a “Busey” out of him? Anyway, he dictated some things he wants us to get done by Saturday. He had Skinemax on loud and was eating a nightburger, so some of it was garbled, but I’m pretty sure I got everything.
Do more NAFTA. He’s thinking instead of withdrawing from it, he should pass it again, so there’s “two of it.” He says he made a napkin doodle of how this would work. I have not seen the doodle yet.
Book Hulk Hogan vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin. A “first-time-ever matchup,” he kept saying. He thinks if we set up a ring on the South Lawn we could draw 3,000 easy. He’ll have Thiel reach out to Hogan; I left word for Austin. DT would like to ref but it’s not a must if we get “someone great, like Hebner.” (?)
Reveal an alien. Exact quote was: “If we have an alien packed away somewhere, now’s the time.” I’m assuming the U.S. government does not, in fact, have proof of alien life, but am throwing it out there in case I’m wrong.
Break up the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals. Legally and logistically impossible, but if Hannity mentions it on his show, DT will believe it happened. Can we get Hannity to do a special tape for us? DT will think it was broadcast live.
“She’s gonna boff that drifter for sure.” I’m assuming this was directed at the television.
Someone dies in his arms after he did everything he could do to save them — a child, maybe. He asked if we “had anyone like that”… I didn’t know what to say.
Cross the Delaware, Washington-style. He’d figured there wouldn’t be time to drive across the state, so he was relieved to learn there’s a river called Delaware. “Thus the ‘the,’” he said. He would like to be driven in a car across a bridge over that river. To me, this one is not very impressive but doable.
Long-lost son. He did not elaborate.
As always there’s a good chance he won’t remember having called me in the morning, but if he does, it’d be good if we had ideas for these … right now the only thing I know we can pull off is the car ride. If anyone gets their hands on an alien, let me know. Thanks!