Drop what you're doing and read this jaw-dropping column from Orange County Register columnist Mark Whicker, in which he tries to explain to Jaycee Dugard what she's missed while being held captive by psychotics for eighteen years. It ends with one of the most head-slapping lines we've ever read: "Ballplayers, who always invent the slang no matter what ESPN would have you believe, came up with an expression for a home run that you might appreciate. Congratulations, Jaycee. You left the yard." Excuse us while we stand and applaud. [Jack Shafer/Twitter]