Part of being a true fan of a team involves a stubborn refusal to understand that the other team has fans of its own who care about their team as much as you care about yours. Impossible! The other team is nothing more than Opponent. When you are watching on Sunday afternoon, all you want to know is: How do we kill these guys? Whom do we boo? Die, humans wearing different colors than the colors for which I have grown accustomed to cheering!
We are here to help. With a slight nod to Drew Magary's Why Your Team Sucks series, we want to give you three people to scream at on the television every Sunday, peppering Cheetos flecks in every direction. The Jets play the Miami Dolphins at Land Shark Stadium on Monday Night Football tonight. Here's whom to boo on the Dolphins.
Joey Porter. The loudmouthed, slightly unhinged linebacker has been annoying opposing fans so thoroughly, for so long, it's almost surprising he's still in the league. The Dolphins' slow start has kept him quiet up to this point, but it's only a matter of time. Our favorite Joey Porter moments (with links to Deadspin, the site for which Porter was clearly created):
1. His wedding day began in handcuffs and ended with him drunk and three hours late.
2. He clearly unnerved the Secret Service before a meeting with then-President Bush.
3. Called then-Browns tight end Kellen Winslow a "fag."
4. Randomly started punching people in Vegas.
5. Accidentally unleashed his pit bills on a miniature horse.
If Joey Porter did not exist, we would have to invent him. Don't ever change, Joey.
Randy Starks. Over Memorial Day, the Dolphins defensive end had a little issue with a truck and a cop. Let's just go ahead and quote the Miami Herald:
The defensive end about to embark on his second Dolphins season was arrested on aggravated battery charges just after midnight Sunday morning for effectively using a Freightliner (a monster truck) as a weapon on South Beach. Unwisely, Starks allegedly used that weapon on a Miami Beach police officer. Starks was obviously in party mode as he was driving his truck with a woman sitting on his lap.
Hey, in Miami, that's just what you do to honor the troops.
Ricky Williams. Our frustration with Ricky Williams is not so much with him — he's turned out to be a solid citizen, and mostly just a regular guy who likes to smoke some weed and make enough money playing football to enjoy the rest of his life — as it is with the fascination with him. Mostly, 60 Minutes' Mike Wallace, who has already done three features on the running back and surely is readying for another one, at some point. We suspect he just wants to know if Ricky had any HGH.