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opening day

New Marlins Stadium Is Worse Than You Thought

MIAMI, FL - APRIL 01: A general view of the new Miami Marlins Park during a preseason game against the New York Yankees during a game at Marlins Park on April 1, 2012 in Miami, Florida. A mechanical sculpture by Red Grooms will animate everytime a home run is hit yb a Marlin. (Photo by Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images)

Baseball started (again) last night, with the St. Louis Cardinals' 4–1 win over the Miami Marlins, but of course all anyone can talk about this morning is Marlins Park and all the madness of its opening. From what we could tell, the good parts: the bobblehead museum, a retractable roof that will cut down on rainouts, maybe the fish tank. The bad parts? Pretty much everything else. The pool in the outfield somehow lacks the "charm" of Arizona's, the lime green walls are hideous (and raise fears of future green-screen ads), the way-too-large Marlins Park logo behind home plate, of course the monstrosity behind the center field wall. Also: You thought Citi Field was bad, but this place is going to play huge. (Giancarlo Stanton should have had two homers and had none. You'll be hearing that a lot. Just ask Lance Berkman.) But worst of all might have been the endless, trashy pomp, from the flamingo girls to the endless pregame show to trotting poor Muhammad Ali out to "throw" out the first pitch. It was cruel, the fading memory of one of the best parts of America used to prop up America at its worst, and absolutely excruciating to watch. These are the Marlins, folks, the nouveau riche making a horrific spectacle of themselves. Oh, and that massive, taxpayer-funded stadium is gonna have about 9,000 people in it in a month. You have a new least favorite team.

Photo: Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images