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The Outsourced Parent

The hands-free, do-nothing, price-is-no-object guide to rearing a child from conception to college.

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Perhaps you’ve been told that having a child is a 24-hour-a-day job. But it doesn’t have to be your job—not for a moment. Nannies have been around for centuries, but in New York—the leading edge of parental avoidance—it is now possible to outsource more-advanced child-rearing functions as well, such as shopping for clothing, going on college visits, and even initiating those awkward talks about, well, you know. How much would it cost to replace yourself entirely for eighteen years—until your child’s driver drops him off at the dorm? Here’s a rough (indeed) analysis.

Why bother, when you can hire someone else too ...


Styling by Cathrin Sonntag for M4Motion; Grooming by Claudia Wegener for Liganord  

… HAVE THE BABY FOR YOU
Paid surrogacy is illegal in New York State, but Intended Parents can help you find a vacant uterus elsewhere. You’ll pay dearly, however—from lawyers’ fees and hospital visits down to incidentals like your surrogate’s shrink appointments, maternity clothes, ice cream to slake her pregnancy cravings, and a weekly stipend should she wind up on bed rest.
Total: $80,000 (at least)
Intended Parents, 732-526-7013

… BURP HER
Shunning every aspect of infant care, starting with hugging, requires a 24-hour baby nurse for a full year. Expect to pay $350 a day plus a 30 percent agency fee.
Total: $166,075
Katie Facey Agency, 800-483-1054

… GET HER TO STOP SCREAMING AT NIGHT
The sleep consultants at Soho Parenting can come up with a five-day plan to adjust her schedule to yours. Then again, why does that matter?
Total: $350
Soho Parenting, 212-334-3744

… KEEP HER AWAY FROM THE DRANO
Even the most despairing toddler will be foiled by this company’s expert latching, gating, locking, guarding, and lead-testing of your home. CPR and car-seat training included.
Total: $1,275
Manhattan Childproofers, 212-367-3733

… GET THAT THUMB OUT OF HER MOUTH
Chicago-based thumb-sucking guru Shari E. Green claims she can kick your kid’s habit in two sessions. Fee includes travel expenses from Chicago and follow-up phone consultation.
Total: $4,300
Shari E. Green, 847-641-4444

… RAISE HER
The live-in nanny is the point guard of the outsourcing team, packing your child’s lunch, reading her bedtime stories, attending mommy-and-me classes, taking her to Disney World, seeing her face light up on Christmas morning when Mommy and Daddy call from Ibiza. Later on, someone’s going to have to go to her school plays and parent-teacher conferences. A job of this magnitude requires a live-in, which costs $1,200 a week with a 15 percent fee through Best Domestic Placement Services. (To have a fill-in on weekends, add 48 hours of babysitting at $15 an hour.)
Total: $1,856,400 (seventeen years)
Best Domestic Placement Services, 212-683-3060

… POTTY-TRAIN HER
No undignified “Wee-wee? Doo-doo?” interrogations with this Chicago- based service, which will dispatch a live-in instructor to your home for two weeks to reward your daughter’s appropriately placed bowel movements with toys.
Total: $3,700
(Includes fee, travel expenses, and two weeks of meals for the trainer; toys not included. See “Buy Her Gifts.”)

Adriana’s Services, 773-440-8283

… THROW HER A BIRTHDAY PARTY
You won’t have to lift a finger—or even show up at all—if you hire this Queens-based company to send out the invitations, put up decorations, set up the room, buy the cake and ice cream, stock the sundae bar, hire a magician, pass out party favors, put on an arts-and-crafts workshop, serve finger food to the parents, and clean up afterward. Festivities start at $825 for 25 kids for four hours.
Total: $14,850 (eighteen parties)
Bliss! Celebrations by Design, 347-267-1893

... BUY HER GIFTS
Let the personal shoppers at FAO Schwarz do it for you—they probably “get” her anyway.
Total: Free
FAO Schwarz, 212-644-9400

... TELL HER “NO”
If she’s giving the outsourcing team some lip, these New Jersey–based consultants can set your daughter straight with a discipline plan.
Total: $500
Harmony Behavioral Solutions, 973-248-5525

… TEACH HER TO SAY “PLEASE” AND “THANK YOU”
As in, “Thank you for those twenty minutes of quality time.” An hour-and-45-minute class teaches kids 6 and up how to behave in public, shake hands, talk on the phone, and hold a fork.
Total: $85
Etiquette Outreach, 212-977-6804

… BUY HER CLOTHES
She’ll look like you actually paid attention with a fashion intervention from former FIT student Carla Nemiroff, who charges $350 a day to sort through your child’s old clothes and $250 a half- day to shop for new ones.
Total: $43,200 (two days a season for eighteen years)
Carla’s Closets, 917-653-7110


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