Why bother, when you can get someone else to...
… TAKE HIS PICTURE
Hire a candid photographer like Paloma Sendrey to capture milestones like his first steps (who’s going to know they’re not actually the first?), missing teeth (they’ll still be missing a few days later), and Sunday afternoons in the park with a sitter. She charges $575 per birthday party and $395 per candid session; count on three a year.
Total: $31,680 (over eighteen years)
Paloma Sendrey, 718-432-2365
… TEACH HIM HOW TO RIDE A BIKE
For $130 a session, bicycling instructor Terry Chin will be the one following your careering kid around Riverside Park.
Total: $260 and up
Terry Chin, 718-680-5227
… PLAY CATCH WITH HIM
Former Mets and Yankees pitcher Jack Aker charges $95 an hour to teach your kid how to throw, catch, field, and hit a ball.
Total: $950 (ten lessons)
Jack Aker, jackakerbaseball.com
… TAKE HIM FISHING
There’s nothing like a day on a fishing boat to help foster a bond between your son and … a complete stranger. Captain Brendan McCarthy will take your kid to Jamaica Bay for a full-day striped-bass excursion, then have him at home in time for dinner with the nanny.
Captain Brendan McCarthy, 917-847-9576
… TALK TO HIM
Teen “life coach” Susan Epstein will be there for your son when you’re not. Via weekly $149 sessions (phone or in person), she teaches insight, accountability, discipline, and self-awareness, which he will sorely need by this point.
Total: $1,788 (twelve sessions)
Susan Epstein, 860-437-0233
… IMPART GOOD BREEDING
For $200 an hour, image consultant Samantha von Sperling can help your teen affect the illusion of proper parental supervision, through etiquette lessons, personal shopping, and style guidance.
Total: $2,000 (ten hours)
Polished Social Image Consultants, 646-644-4300
… TEACH HIM THE BIRDS AND THE BEES
For $99 a session, a clinical social worker can tell a 4-year-old where babies come from—or instruct a teen on how not to have one.
Total: $396 (four sessions)
Lucille Barish, LCSW, 212-362-7146
… HELP HIM WITH HOMEWORK
For about $110 per hour, a Study Shack tutor can help your kid slog through two hours of homework a night so the nanny can have a break.
Total: $134,640 (two hours a week for seven years)
The Study Shack, 212-628-9129
… GO ON COLLEGE TOURS
Foist those futile trips onto a tour guide. For $1,685, your teen will be shepherded along with ten to twenty of his competitors on a weeklong trip to campuses from Boston to Washington, D.C.
Total: $1,984 (includes airfare)
College Visits, Inc., 800-944-2798
… DRIVE HIM EVERYWHERE
Even an outsourced kid needs a father figure. A paid driver from City Valet is $20 an hour.
Total: $1,839,600 (fourteen hours a day for eighteen years)
City Valet, 212-327-0500
Total costs: $4,184,633