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I Hate It When You Wear That

What do couples really think about each other’s clothes? A no-feelings-spared dig through three closets.

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Photomontages by Caroline Shepard  

{CLOSET NO. 1}
Olivia and Charlie Corwin
accessories designer, 29; film and television producer, 33

Olivia: I am not a casual person.

Charlie: And I totally love T-shirts (1) and sneakers. (2)

Olivia: My favorite thing for him to wear is this pink V-neck sweater (3) that I bought him and these gray sharkskin pants.

Charlie: But what about my zip-up sweatshirts?

Olivia: They don’t fit. I hate when things are baggy-fitting. It shortens the torso.

Charlie: She wants everything I wear to be skintight.

Olivia: No, I don’t! Just tailored. Fitted. You have a nice little body.

Charlie: We mostly argue about what she wears.

Olivia: I’m a big dress person. Mostly, I wear dresses.

Charlie: And her dresses mostly have names. There’s the leaf dress, which is obvious, but then there’s the circus tent (4), which I actually love because it’s tight and it has these tiny little straps and a rope around it, but it also kind of looks like the house is being exterminated and someone threw a big tent over it. But tell her about the Schiele dress. (5)

Olivia: I brought this new dress home, and Charlie was like, “That looks like my favorite Schiele painting.” And it totally does. But then you also call it the clown dress.

Charlie: Well, even if I don’t like something she’s wearing—like, say, the smock dress or the Little House on the Prairie—I’ll recognize the personality trait that made her pick it. And I’ll like it for that reason. Even though I don’t like it. But the muumuu I hate. I’m not down with satin tie-dye.

Olivia: And the pointy shoes.

Charlie: It’s like Halloween. That I’ve never understood. Why would you want to dress like a witch? I like a strapless high-heel-pump thing. Basically, I just like her to look like a hooker!

Olivia: He’s kidding.

Charlie: She could never look like a hooker. But I do like it when she wears her fur. I’m pro-fur. It makes her look like a classy hooker! No, not really.

Olivia: We do boob checks.

Charlie: We were at this fancy dinner at Jerry Della Femina’s house in East Hampton, and after dinner someone told me that Olivia’s boob had been hanging out all through dinner. She’s very comfortable with her body, and I’m not a jealous person, but still …

Olivia: We think I need to become better friends with double-sided tape.


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