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12 Ways to Remake Your Boring Old Self

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  1. 9. BECOME A BOLDFACE NAME

    “Most celebs got famous by sleeping with other famous folk,” says New York Post “Page Six” contributor Jared Paul Stern. “And if you can’t fuck ’em, sue ’em.” Lawsuits, like the one about Paris Hilton’s sex tape, have the added bonus of a built-in profit margin—some stars will pay you just to go away. Or hire a publicist who will donate dish on true boldfacers in exchange for sneaking you into the column. “When you read in a column that Nicole Kidman and Jude Law were seen partying alongside celebrity dentist Bob Smith,” explains Daily News “Gatecrasher” columnist Ben Widdicombe, “that means Bob Smith’s publicist gave the columnist some other great dirt in exchange for the mention.” If you can’t afford a publicist, try writing your own press releases and sending them to gossip columnists. Cory Bernstein did that, professing to be a Versace model and alerting “Gatecrasher” and others that he had been seen in Chicago hot spots with celebrities like Justin Timberlake. You can now Google “Cory the Model” and find numerous citations, including this one.

  2. 10. GO TO AN INDIAN SPIRITUAL RETREAT TO HAVE SEX ALL THE TIME

    Most such places are austere affairs with buckets for showers, but the Osho International Meditation Resort in Pune, India, has a pool, tennis lessons, a nightclub, a sauna, a cybercafé, discos, and, during high season, 3,000 to 5,000 horny Westerners trying to sleep their way to enlightenment. “It’s like Sex and the City, but barefoot,” explains Zeynep Askoy, a former Manhattan ad exec who enjoyed a brief stay there. The man behind Osho is the late Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, the famed “sex guru” who founded a 65,000-acre free-love commune in Antelope, Oregon, in 1981. The Bhagwan, who changed his name to Osho, was deported for violating immigration laws in 1987 and died in 1990, but his libido lives on at this wanton hideaway, which requires visitors to have an HIV test upon entry. “Osho’s overall concept is Zorba the Buddha, which combines Zorba the Greek, that guy who loves alcohol, dens, and women, with the silence and meditativeness of Buddha,” explains president Klaus Steeg. Every guest wears a maroon robe in public areas (acquire one at Osho, or buy your own and have it tailored). “Everyone happens to look gorgeous in them,” says Askoy, “especially men. Men look gorgeous wearing a dress.”

  3. 11. SAVE A KID

    Become a schoolteacher. The fastest way is through private schools (which pay on average about 15 percent less than public schools’ starting salaries of around $47,000) or charter schools, as neither require the same labor-intensive coursework and testing of the state certification process (though you’ll still need appropriate training and experience). The New York City Charter School job fair on March 18 and 19 (check nyccharterjobs.com) is the American Idol of the teacher talent search. Those with exceptional career experience in everything from business to dance to the visual arts should bring evidence of their skills and express a willingness to work longer than the usual school day (sometimes until 4 or 5 p.m.). For private schools, there are recruiting firms like Manhattan Placements, which found Anna Oropeza-Parra a job teaching kindergarten at the private Scuola d’Italia on the Upper East Side. Oropeza-Parra advises some mental preparation: “The biggest misconception is that teaching is a breeze because you work eight to three,” she says. “As you enter those school doors, you’re on. It’s rewarding, but people get burned out really quickly.”

  4. 12. DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY

    As long as the police aren’t on your tail, vanishing from society isn’t all that difficult. “The key, in a nutshell, is cash,” says Steven Tavlin, licensed P.I. and president of the Holmes Detective Bureau in Manhattan. Don’t put your name on anything. Use calling cards for landlines, buy prepaid cell phones and change them every few months, travel by bus and train, and find a single-room-occupancy hotel that accepts cash—or a roommate who will put his or her name on the lease and the utilities. Or apply for an Ecaid credit card (ecaid.com), a nameless card stamped solely with an account number. It stashes your funds in an untraceable account in Panama and, when swiped, deducts from your account like a debit card.

    Don’t make up a new Social Security number—you never know whose number you’re stealing, says Manhattan P.I. Skipp Porteous, president of Sherlock Investigations. “We were looking for one of the FBI’s most wanted, ran the Social, and found a guy out in the Midwest who was trying to start a new identity.” A better idea: Find someone around your age who died and write to his hometown vital-records office for a birth certificate, then use that to get a Social Security card, driver’s license, etc. “When someone dies, people don’t contact the hospital they were born in to report it, Social Security doesn’t know about it unless a death benefit is filed, and funeral directors aren’t required to notify the government that someone has died,” explains Porteous. “It’s a flaw in the system.” Living under the radar is tough, but there are plenty of deadbeat dads and fugitives proving it can be done. “The city,” says Tavlin, “just swallows them up.”


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