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Saturday Night in a Cab


David and Kristine.  

What’s a typical Saturday for you?
Typical Saturday would be hanging out with friends down in Tribeca. A lot of times, since I go to private school, a lot of the parents are traveling for business and such. So we have parties in their houses. That’s about it.

They’re rich, these people having the parties?
I’d say the majority of them are upper class, yeah.

How wild do the parties get?
We’re actually pretty mellow compared to some of the other high schools. I’ve been to some parties that get insane—like neighbors call the cops and stuff.

Which school is the craziest?
Oh, man, I’d love to say ours, but I’d be lying. I heard Dwight has a lot of crazy parties.

What about Dwight makes it the party school?
They say Dwight stands for Dumb White Idiots Getting High Together. It’s become sort of a joke, I guess, around the city.

Where are you going now?
Home. I have a game at eight o’clock in the morning. Gotta be focused, prepared. Have I been the only sober person [tonight]?

No, everybody’s been relatively sober. Really? That’s incredible. Surprising.
OLEG: Young man, unfortunately for you our trip is over. Don’t forget your stuff unless it contains food. And you can never go wrong by giving a very big tip. Otherwise, Russian Secret Service, KGB, will get you.

1:36 a.m.
27th Street and Second Avenue
Morgan, 25; Keith, 28

Are you guys boyfriend-girlfriend?

So you’re …?
KEITH: Friends.
MORGAN: But he loves me ... We’re coming from a young Jewish social event. It’s a bunch of rich Jewish people that hang out. And by “hang out,” you can use your imagination.

What, a young Jewish sex party?
MORGAN: No! A bunch of single Jewish people networking. A singles event.

You guys sure you’re not going home together?
MORGAN: Oh, we’re going home together.
KEITH: I think I’m gonna throw up.

How much did you drink?
MORGAN: Not much; he’s a pussy.
KEITH: Four, five?
MORGAN: Rum and Cokes and a couple shots of vodka. I drank a good bottle and a half of wine myself.

So are you going home together or not?
MORGAN: We’re going home together. We have a really fucked-up relationship.
KEITH: Which publication is this for?

New York Magazine.
KEITH: Are we going to be on the cover?

Probably not. So you’re friends with benefits?
MORGAN: Partially. We’re more friends than benefits.

But you’re going home to be intimate together, right?

I’m totally confused. Are you going home to the same apartment?
KEITH: My apartment is the party apartment.

What does that involve?
MORGAN: He’ll puke, and then we’ll party.

What does “party” mean exactly?
KEITH: If I define it, I won’t have a political career.

How many people will be partying there?
MORGAN: Ten to fifteen.

Does it involve stimulants?
BOTH: Some people, yes.

Will there be randiness?
KEITH: I’m not sure I understand “randiness.”

MORGAN: Oh, yes.

So you two will be snuggling?
KEITH: Yeah, like—
MORGAN: Wait! Someone just texted me this joke: “What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A Lickalotofpuss.” The guy who sent it is very, very gay, so it’s allowed.

2:26 a.m.
30th Street and Eighth Avenue
Hillary, 24; Michael, 24

Are you guys together?
MICHAEL: We are great friends, how about that?
HILLARY: We’re spending the night together. Just tell her.
MICHAEL: Okay, I will agree to that.
HILLARY: He won’t admit it, but he’s absolutely in love with me.
MICHAEL: You’re actually recording this?
HILLARY: I want it on record that you’re absolutely in love with me. Just admit it.
MICHAEL: Yeah, I’m totally, absolutely, drop-dead in love with her.

Is that true?
MICHAEL: It is true.

So what are you going to do about it?
HILLARY: [Sighs] Nothing.

Come on, guys. Can’t you two crazy kids get it together?
HILLARY: He has commitment issues. Just say it: You have commitment issues.
MICHAEL: I do not commit to anything.
HILLARY: Exactly.

How much have you had to drink?
HILLARY: I’m fine. I don’t know about him.
MICHAEL: I’m mostly okay.
HILLARY: No, he’s going to black out.
MICHAEL: Shut up. I’m good. I feel great. It’s a good night.

2:59 a.m.
Bowery and Prince Street
Rick, 26; Eric, 21; Geoff, 21

Where have you guys been tonight?
ERIC: Just creeping. We learned it on Jersey Shore. Tonight we hung out at a club-slash-lounge.
GEOFF: Now we’re going home.
RICK: To Sugar Daddy’s.

Who’s Sugar Daddy?
ERIC: I am.

What will you do there?
GEOFF: Fool around.

RICK: Whatever happens happens.

Are you guys straight or gay?
RICK: I dabble in both.
ERIC: I’m straight.
GEOFF: I’m straight as a doorknob.

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