Never touched a racquet? Been playing since you were 12? Either way, Total Tennis’s weekend retreat (800-221-6496 or totaltennis.com) will beat you into shape. Take the 5:30 p.m. Adirondack Trailways bus (800-776-7548 or trailwaysny.com) from Port Authority to the Catskills town of Saugerties. Ellen, a staffer at Total Tennis, will pick you up for the short drive to the center, on 73 acres in a beautiful valley. Request a room (they’re all very basic) in the main lodge, eat a carb-rich dinner, and go to bed by ten. Rise at 7:45 a.m. and fill up on the bacon-and-eggs buffet. You’ll be separated into groups of four according to skill level, from absolute beginners to advanced. Then it’s three hours of drills, technique, and game strategy. Then lunch. Then two more hours of instruction. The good news: The punishment stops at 4 p.m., and there’s a pool, a Jacuzzi, and a massage option at the on-site spa. If you’re really intent on practicing, you can play doubles with the instructors until wine-and-cheese hour at 6:15 p.m. A communal dinner is followed by dancing to a by-request D.J. Repeat the routine on Sunday morning (the package includes a half-hour private lesson), then take the 4:50 p.m. bus home. Prepare to be sore until Wednesday ($475 per person for double occupancy, $575 for single).