6 Women are from Venus, men like guns: Grab a copy of Candace Bushnell’s Lipstick Jungle, hot off the press today, then head to a screening (and director Q&A) of the Sundance-favorite short film Bullets in the Hood: A Bed-Stuy Story at BAM.
7 Last chance to catch Coldplay at the Garden. Don’t be ashamed. Tell your cool friends you’re there for opener Rilo Kiley.
8 Welcome the Aperture Gallery to its grand new digs on West 27th Street at the opening of “Nazar: Photographs From the Arab World.” And program your TiVo: The O.C. returns to Fox tonight.
9 Spend the afternoon trudging around downtown to see the three billboard-size paintings (including Cheerleader by Gary Hume, pictured) sponsored by United Technologies; then rest your weary feet in Dance Theater Workshop’s plush movie-theater seating as Dancenow/NYC performers sweat it out onstage.
10 Whoosh! Grab a comfy spot in Hudson River Park and watch the country’s fastest speedboats race from Battery Park to Chelsea Piers in the New York Super Boat Grand Prix championship.
11 Honor the dead, four years after New York’s very worst day, as St. Bartholomew’s Choir performs Fauré’s Requiem.
12 Sing out, Louise! First day of the New York Musical Theatre Festival.
13 Stave off your fear of mortality: The Rolling Stones return to the Garden, and Elaine Stritch debuts at the Café Carlyle. And—speaking of grumpy old folks—don’t forget to vote in the primaries.
14 Noémie Lafrance and the dance troupe Sens present Agora, temporarily reclaiming Williamsburg’s McCarren Park pool from the raccoons and feral cats.
15 For grown-ups: Richard (Take Me Out) Greenberg’s A Naked Girl on the Appian Way, starring Richard Thomas and Jill Clayburgh, is in previews at the American Airlines Theatre. For the kids: Regina Spektor, the Russian Tori Amos, at Irving Plaza.
16 Graceful exit, or awkward good-bye? Gwyneth Paltrow and Anthony Hopkins open in the mathematical tearjerker Proof, the Weinstein brothers’ final project with Miramax.
17 If you have a river view—or a friend with one—get out your binoculars: Robert Smithson’s Floating Island begins its laps around Manhattan.
18 Nabokov’s Lolita turns 50 this week (though of course she’ll forever be 12); time to reread the novel. Then slip out to the deli to buy the current Playboy—for the articles. Joyce Carol Oates and Paul Theroux are among those weighing in on the significance of the literary nymphet.
19 The impossibly ageless voice of Plácido Domingo headlines opening night at the Met, and Arrested Development, TV’s brainiest sitcom, rises phoenix-like to redeem popular culture.
20 Watch Paul Provenza, Bob Saget, and other off-color stand-ups from the The Aristocrats get raunchy as they face off against pundits like Joe Scarborough and Arianna Huffington at the 92nd Street Y.
21 Martha Stewart begins to crush the dreams of her underlings—and probably some garlic—as her version of The Apprentice premieres.
22 Start a night out at Kurt Gutenbrunner’s eclectic new restaurant Thor at the Hotel on Rivington.
23 Putting aside all memories of 1968’s Oliver!, steel your nerves for Roman Polanski’s creepy Oliver Twist, featuring a basalt-eyed Ben Kingsley as Fagin. Or skip the nightmares and travel the yellow brick road to see Sir Elton John at Madison Square Garden.
24 Mireille Enos—you remember her as Honey in this year’s Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?—co-stars in the promising revival of Alan Ayckbourn’s Absurd Person Singular, now in previews.
25 Plump up the couch cushions, draw the shades, and turn off the phone: It’s back-to-back-to-back premieres of The West Wing, Desperate Housewives, and Curb Your Enthusiasm.
26 Okay, you can look back now: The first half of Martin Scorsese’s monumental Bob Dylan doc airs on PBS.
27 Jump the line! Alice Tully Hall screens Capote, the fall’s best biopic, three days before its official opening. Grab your chance to hear Philip Seymour Hoffman channel the author’s man-child whisper.
28 At Juilliard’s centennial celebration, book tickets for the premiere of Eliot Feld’s ramp dance, Sir Isaac’s Apples. Then go find out what a ramp dance is. (Hint: It involves special grip-gloves, slithering, and a stage set that looks like a skate park.)
29 Life is die cabaret, ja? Café Sabarsky brings in the “postmodern chanteur” Daniel Isengart for its Thursday cabaret night.
30 The other Clinton comes to Harlem: In the first of two nights at the Apollo, madman George Clinton marks the 50th anniversary of his founding the Parliaments in—of all places—Plainfield, New Jersey. And yes, he’s bringing friends.