1. Ah, Labor Day weekend. If you’ve got no tickets to the U.S. Open, or if it’s rainy (or you just hate nice weather), try Uneasy Riders, the Nixon-era movie series at the Museum of the Moving Image. Tonight: Jane Fonda’s shagadelic, Oscar-winning Klute, followed by action-thriller Hickey and Boggs.
2. It’s like the Oscars, minus montages, plus tassel-spinning ecdysiasts: The four-day New York Burlesque Festival wraps up with an awards ceremony.
3. As far as the Parks Department is concerned, this is the last day of summer, so celebrate with a belly flop into one of its 52 public pools (they close after today). Or hop Metro-North to escape to the New York Renaissance Faire in Tuxedo, New York. Dress code: bosomy.
4. Big Love, schmig love: Mormon-teen-heartthrob-turned-British-game-show-host Donnie Osmond croons to loyal fans at B.B. King’s.
5. Fashion Week starts two days early this year to avoid a collision with the High Holidays. (Repentance is the new black?) Meanwhile, cutie-pie Monty Python co-creator Michael Palin chats at the 92nd St. Y.
6. Ian McKellen opens in Shakespeare’s King Lear (and multi-tasker that he is, three nights of Chekhov’s The Seagull, starting September 12.) Too highbrow-brilliant for ya? Larry David kvetches at the 92nd St. Y.
7. At the cineplex, Aussie Russell Crowe and Brit Christian Bale grab six-shooters for a remake of the Western classic 3:10 to Yuma; meanwhile, Apollo mission survivors fess up in the documentary In the Shadow of the Moon. At Aperture, check out works by Lisette Model, first published in Cue magazine and hailed by Steichen as one of the century’s greatest photographers.
8. Cool weather is on the way, which gives you just two more chances to catch Shakespeare in the Park, specifically Tim Blake Nelson and a mightily corseted Martha Plimpton in A Midsummer Night’s Dream. (It’s also the final weekend for Richard Serra at MoMA.)
9. Yee-haw: Farm Aid 2007 brings Willie Nelson, Dave Matthews, and the Allman Brothers Band to Randalls Island. For more city-slicker flavor, Tony Bennett will be crooning at Radio City Music Hall. (Linger at the stage door and compliment the paintings he does under his original name, Benedetto.)
10. Film Forum screens a new documentary about the dancer-actor-choreographer team Carmen De Lavallade and Geoffrey Holder—married for 53 years! Take that, Dr. Phil!—and follows with a live onstage interview.
11. Kanye West’s new album, Graduation, drops. Testify!
12. Let the kids go to lessons at Tony Waag’s American Tap Dance Foundation, while the adults head to MoMA for an exhibit about early film technology at its Panoramas of the Moving Image exhibit.
13. San Gennaro kicks off today: zeppoles, zeppoles, zeppoles! Come on, bikini season is over. Live a little.
14. Molière’s The Misanthrope begins previews at the New York Theatre Workshop tonight, while not-entirely-unmisanthropic punk-rockster Patti Smith lands at the Beacon.
15. A women-kick-ass weekend at the movies, starring Jodie Foster as a revenge-seeking widow in The Brave One and Naomi Watts as a midwife who uncovers an underground prostitution ring in David Cronenberg’s Eastern Promises. Dress code: stilettos and a sneer.
16. Edwidge Danticat, George Packer, and Colson Whitehead, among other Brooklyn literati, shuffle, grin, and act shy-but-smart for the Brooklyn Book Festival, while bookish fans swoon.
17. The Jewish Museum presents Camille Pissarro: Impressions of City and Country. While you’re there, check out Isaac Bashevis Singer’s photos chronicling 33 years of Lower East Side life, i.e. Before the Boutiques.
18. Ten motorcycle riders vrrroom in synchronized motion on the 60,000-square-foot wood floor of the Seventh Regiment Armory, under the direction of New York artist Aaron Young. Also on the Upper East Side, Alan Greenspan gets grilled (or lightly steamed) by his wife Andrea Mitchell, who interviews him at the 92nd St. Y.
19. For lit lovers, Nobel Prize winner Orhan Pamuk reads at the New York Public Library. Bummer that Pamuk’s going to miss the small-screen version of the addictive Gossip Girl series, premiering on the CW tonight! Maybe he’ll TiVo it.
20. Autumnal equinox. (Okay, it’s in three days.) Indulge yourself with a chunk of Il Buco’s 160-pound pig, roasted on Bond Street at the restaurant’s annual Sagra del Maiale festival.
21. Feed your head with Sean Penn’s Into the Wild, an adaptation of Jon Krakauer’s tale of an Alaskan adventurer, and In the Valley of Elah, about a father who seeks to find his missing Iraq-soldier son.
22. A 40th anniversary of Hair concert at Joe’s Pub! Celebrate the expansion of your mind, your politics, and your sexual vocabulary. (Father, why do these words sound so nasty?)
23. Sensitive-blabbermouth alert: Alan Alda and Roger Rosenblatt are Talking About Talking at the 92nd St. Y.
24. Teeny, kooky Björk warbles at Madison Square Garden. Speaking of people with superpowers in funny costumes, Heroes returns tonight on NBC.
25. Watch Claire Danes learn to be a lady in previews of Pygmalion at the Roundabout.
26. Reconstructive surgery makes an ordinary woman better, stronger, faster, and possibly sassier in NBC’s remake of The Bionic Woman. Classical-music heads opt for the New York Philharmonic’s Tchaikovsky Experience instead.
27. Cristina and Burke are history, but will Meredith and McDreamy call it quits, too? Greasily addictive soap Grey’s Anatomy returns tonight. Go cold (or, we guess, Wild) turkey: ZZ Top hits the Beacon.
28. Owen Wilson, Adrien Brody, and Jason Schwartzman are brothers journeying through India in Wes Anderson’s The Darjeeling Limited, premiering at the New York Film Festival tonight. (Other hot picks: Peter Berg’s Mideast terrorist movie The Kingdom and Ang Lee’s Lust, Caution.)
29. Soulful procrastinator Lucinda Williams howls the blues in the first of two shows at the Fillmore at Irving Plaza. The ideal post-breakup date with your quasi-ex.
30. It’s the complete Beethoven Piano Trio (Kalichstein, Laredo, and Robinson) at the 92nd St. Y. Dress code: wiggy.