The Lawn-Squatter’s Guide to Summer Festivals

Festival	Acts	Scene	Don't Miss
Escape to New York, Shinnecock Reservation August 5-7	Patti Smith, Best Coast, Au Revoir Simone	A polarized lineup: Smith will bring out the rock lifers, while Best Coast and her Pitchfork-approved pals will entice festival first-timers.	The Vaccines, a frills-free British guitar-rock import that crafts excellent compact earworms about girls.
MTK Festival, East Hampton, N.Y. August 13 and 14	Vampire Weekend, Cold War Kids, Bright Eyes	People who intrinsically trust NPR’s musical taste.	Chromeo, whose eighties-dance-party grooves will add some sizzle to a steady diet of lovely indie rock.
Afro-Punk Festival, Commodore Barry Park, Fort Greene August 27 and 28	Cee Lo Green, Janelle Monáe, Santigold	Leaning toward hipster R&B, but it’s a free event at a park sandwiched between Fort Greene and Brooklyn Heights, so expect girls with partially shaved heads waltzing past strollers.	Jay Electronica, Jay-Z’s latest signee: an abundantly talented emcee who has yet to deliver on his potential with an album release.
Electric Zoo, Randall’s Island September 2 to 4	Tiesto, David Guetta, Armin Van Buuren	Hard-core dance-music fans. Also, Europeans.	Crookers, a house duo from Milan whose hopped-up remixes (of Kid Cudi, Fever Ray, Britney Spears) often top the originals.
Rock the Bells, Governors Island September 3	Nas, Raekwon and Ghostface Killah, Erykah Badu	Nineties-hip-hop heads: the kind of people who can and will argue the relative validity of various underground hip-hop factions for hours.	Lauryn Hill—who has been reworking her material live—performing the entirety of Miseducation.

Lyrics Worth Memorizing

Best Reference to Shamed TLC Programming:
“They thought I laid dead, I was playing possum / Spot me everywhere with the eight like Kate Gosselin.”
Pusha-T, “Money on My Mind”

Best Use of the Word ‘Brunch’:
“Have emcees over my house and fix ’em brunch / But you rappers? We goin’ out, goin’ dutch.”
Beastie Boys Featuring Nas, “Too Many Rappers”

Most Encompassing of Every Person on the Planet:
“People on computers / People in the park / Everywhere I go / From Ohio to Zanzibar.”
Ke$ha, “Tease Me”

Most Adorable Homicide:
“Rum bum bum bum / Rum bum bum bum / Rum bum bum bum / Man down.”
Rihanna, “Man Down”

Best Use of Unhip Anatomy:
“So posh, nails fierce with the gold gloss  /  Which means nobody getting over me / I got the swag, and it’s pumping out my ovaries.”
Kreayshawn, “Gucci Gucci”

Photos: Rafa Rivas/AFP/Getty Images (Smith); Michael Loccisano/FilmMagic/Getty Images (Santigold); Wendell Teodoro/WireImage/Getty Images (Van Buuren); John Sommers II/Getty Images for American Express (Badu); Tim Mosenfelder/WireImage/Getty Images (Bright Eyes)

Related:

• Archive: “Guides”
• Articles by Amos Barshad
• Table of Contents: Jun 27, 2011 issue of New York | Subscribe!