HEART-STOPPERS: ANTI-VALENTINE'S DAY EVENTS
Shot Through the Heart
Village Pourhouse; 2/11, 11 a.m–2 a.m.; 366 W. 46th St., nr. Ninth Ave.; 212-979-2337
Let everyone know who did you wrong when the Village Pourhouse gives you the opportunity to say it with Sharpie on their supersize Anti-Valentine’s Day Card. Then drown your sorrows with a free Bud Light draft or well cocktail and drink specials all night.
Endless Night: Vampire Ball of New York
Santos Party House; 2/12 at 11 p.m.; 96 Lafayette St., nr. Walker St.; 212-584-5492
For fifteen years, lovelorn creatures of the night have been seeking solace at the Anti-Valentine’s Day Ball, where it’s easy to distract yourself with burlesque, belly dancers, D.J.'s, and live bands. Plus, you get to wear a costume.
The Rejection Show: Valentine's Day Heartbreak Haven
The Bell House; 2/14 at 7 p.m.; 149 7th St., nr. Second Ave., Gowanus; 718-643-6510
Rejection is painful, but a lot less so if you have funny folks to commiserate with. Join host Jon Friedman (who literally wrote the book) and performers including Max Silvestri, Edith Zimmerman, and Elna Baker as they recount their best breakup, heartbreak, and love-related stories.
Happy Fu$$ing Valentine's Day
Private loft; 2/13 at 6 p.m.; thenoblerot.com
Sip your sadness away when wine enthusiast collective the Noble Rot presents an evening of libations from the Natural Wine Company, small plates by Mike Lee of Studiofeast, and chocolates by Fine & Raw. There's room for 30. Singles and couples are welcome, but please, request the hosts, no swingers. It would just get messy.
"Married by Elvis. Divorced by Friday": A Six-Word Memoir Story Slam
92YTribeca; 2/14 at 7 p.m.; 200 Hudson St., nr. Canal St.; 212-601-1000
A night of six-word nuggets fueled by the affairs of the heart (Examples: "I would rather pluck eyelashes out," or “Mother warned me to stay away") presented by SMITH magazine, the folks behind the Six-Word Memoir project. If you’re feeling creative, or just need to let off some steam, bring your own to read in an audience-participation slam.
Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now
Black Rabbit; 2/14 at 8 p.m.; 91 Greenpoint Ave., at Franklin St., Greenpoint; 718-349-1595
Nothing screams “please love me” like brooding Brit rock, and this Valentine’s Day, all the lonely hearts will once again convene at the Dave Hill–hosted Smiths-themed speed-dating event, where participants get to know each other for the length of exactly one Morrissey-led song. In the past, it's been known to fill up with the ladies pretty fast, so if you're a mopey member of the fairer sex, be sure to show up early to snag a spot.