1. The Black Hearts Party
Invitation only by the Black Hearts Party; check Website for details.
Valentine's Day bashes don't get more iconoclastic than this annual soirée, which is hosted by the embittered and the heartbroken, and open only to outsiders who've proven worthy of their spiteful company with a winning essay.
2. Diamanda Galás' Valentine's Day Massacre
Knitting Factory, 74 Leonard St., nr. Church St.; 212-219-3132
The Morticia Adams look-alike who's built a career out of suffering covers classic heartbreak ballads by Marlene Dietrich and Peggy Lee. Dave Koz this is not.
Times: 6:30 p.m. and 9:30 p.m.
3. My Secret Garden
45th Street Theater, 354 W. 45th St., nr. Eighth Ave.; 212-868-4444
Do not bring the kids to this stage adaptation of Nancy Friday’s racy 1973 book documenting women's filthiest sexual fantasies. But do bring a date.
Time: 8 p.m.
4. The PIT Dating Game
Peoples Improv Theater, 154 W. 29th St., nr. Seventh Ave., second fl.; 212-563-7488
The panelists are single improvisers; the contestant, someone semi-seriously looking to score. Yet aside from laughs, this mating game has, in years past, resulted in a marriage and a long-term romance.
Time: 8 p.m.
5. Losers Lounge Valentine's Day Tribute
Joe's Pub, 425 Lafayette St., nr. Astor Pl.; 212-539-8777
There's no shame in being a romantic idiot tonight. Especially if you're listening to karaoke covers of schmaltzy pop duets like "Islands in the Stream," "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart," or "I Got You Babe."
Times: 9:30 p.m. and 11:30 p.m.
6. A Valentine's Evening With the Crumbs
The New York Public Library; 476 Fifth Ave., at 41st St.; 212-930-0830
The "It" couple of the graphic novel imparts bits of wisdom gleaned from 35 years of living, loving, and cartooning.
Time: 7 p.m.
7. LOVE Featuring Clean&Nasty and Main Squeeze Orchestra
Mo Pitkin's, 34 Ave. A, nr. 3rd St., 212-777-5660.
A double bill that pairs a sexy soul singer and her sassy blues band with the world's only all-female accordion orchestra.
Time: 7 p.m.–10 p.m.
8. Before Sunset
Makor, 35 W. 67th St., nr. Central Park W.; 212-601-1000
If you can't afford a last-minute trip to Paris, live vicariously through Ethan Hawke and Julia Delpy, who revive their roles as star-crossed romantics in the sequel to the cult flick Before Sunrise.
Times: 7 p.m. and 9 p.m.
9. Valentine's at White Castle
Multiple locations; 718-899-8404, ext. 304
Pink tablecloths, fresh flowers, and the piquant aroma of greasy sliders await visitors at select White Castle locations. Who can resist?
Time: 5 p.m.–8 p.m.