Alabama

The Tuscaloosa County Sheriff's office put an alleged methamphetamine cook on its most wanted list. His name? Walter White.

Walter White wanted for manufacturing meth [TN]

Alaska

When multitasking attacks: An extensive rescue operation was mounted to rescue Maria Pestrikoff after she hurtled off a cliff while texting and trying to toss a cigarette butt over the edge. She slipped and fell 60 feet down to the beach. The fire department hauled her up on a stretcher, and she was treated for multiple injuries.

Texting woman falls off Kodiak cliff, rescued [ADN]

Arizona

A massive fire that burned some 18,000 acres of Tonto National Park was caused by a bachelor-party campout participant whose incendiary shotgun shell ignited the vegetation. Perhaps he should have glanced at the shell’s packaging, which read: “Shoots 100 feet of fire, setting everything in its path ablaze. Warning: Extreme FIRE HAZARD.”

Giant wildfire started during bachelor party [TSG]

Arkansas

Renee Jackson, 35, made a half-hearted attempt to hold up a convenience store while wielding a pair of hot-dog tongs. When police arrived at the J-Mart in Fort Smith, they found Jackson to be extremely intoxicated. He told police he wanted to go to jail to see how his family did without him since they did not appreciate him.

Hot dog tong robbery: Renee Jackson attempts to rob Arkansas convenience store with utensil, cops say [HP]

California

A man named Henry Wolf filed a lawsuit claiming that the “ridged seat” of his 1993 BMW motorcycle caused him mental and emotional anguish by causing a severe case of priapism: an erection that lasted for two years, leaving him unable to engage in sexual activity.

Man sues BMW after motorcycle seat allegedly causes 2-year erection [SFG]

Colorado

The University of Colorado has decided to segregate its dorms by gun ownership. Students with valid concealed-carry permits were given the choice of moving into their own residential area, while guns were barred for all other residences. So far, not a single student has moved into the gun-friendly dorm.

‘Gun Dorms’ at university of Colorado do not attract any students [HP]

Connecticut

Not That Bad: A man serves eviction papers to a woman who lives in a home he owns. A Bit Worse: on the woman’s birthday. Wow, Terrible: The woman is his 98-year-old mother.

Wow, Terrible: Poor old woman edition [DI]

Delaware

The employees of the Hands of Our Future day care in Dover were suspended after authorities discovered that they had been organizing a fight club for 3-year-olds. Cell-phone video showed three workers encouraging the kids to fight, violating the first rule of Toddler Fight Club: Don’t film Toddler Fight Club.

Delaware police: Day care workers arranged fight club for toddlers [KOB]

Florida

Old friends were surprised that the Rudy Eugene they remember would one day become a vicious, naked cannibal who eats homeless people. Because he wasn’t like that at all in high school.

Apparently LSD can turn you into a face-eating zombie now [DI]

Georgia

After several reports of cannibalistic assaults, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention clarified that they “do not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead or one that would present zombie-like symptoms.”

Zombie apocalypse: CDC denies existence of zombies despite cannibal incidents [HP]

Hawaii

Attorney Lawrence McCreery, 64, was found guilty of harassment after his former client, 24, testified that he licked the back of her right ear during a meeting to discuss her child custody case. The woman said he told her, “You look so good,” and, “Too bad you’re married,” before making a “weird sound” when the licking began.

Hawaii attorney convicted in ear licking case [CBS]

Idaho

Thirty-year-old John Ernest Cross was charged with felony assault after pointing a rifle at another man and forcing him to perform the moonwalk at gunpoint.

Idaho man accused of using gun to force ‘moonwalk’ [Y!]

Illinois

A pacu fish, known fondly as a “ball cutter” for its propensity for biting off the testicles of men in Papua New Guinea, was spotted in Lake Lou Yaeger. The fish has disturbingly humanlike teeth.

Pacu, the testicle-eating fish, found in Illinois lake [GP]

Indiana

Governor Mitch Daniels signed a law allowing residents to shoot public servants, including law-enforcement officials, who unlawfully enter their homes. The measure, which received strong support from the National Rifle Association, “is just a recipe for disaster,” said Tim Downs, president of the Indiana State Fraternal Order of Police.

Indiana first state to allow citizens to shoot law enforcement officers [AG]

Iowa

Jerald Reiter, 56, was arrested in the parking lot of the Dog House bar for drunken driving. He was in his truck beside a small zebra and parrot, who he said enjoy riding with him. Reiter says that he suspects one of the people taking photos of his animals reported him to the police.

Iowa man arrested after driving with zebra, parrot [CBS]

Kansas

A long-suffering fan of the Kansas City Chiefs got revenge from beyond the grave with an obituary that blamed the team for his death: “Loren G. ‘Sam’ Lickteig passed away on Nov. 14, 2012 of complications from MS and heartbreaking disappointment caused by the Kansas City Chiefs football team.”

In obit, daughters let dad have last say about NFL’s woeful Chiefs [KMUW]

Kentucky

University of Kentucky basketball star Anthony Davis prepared for the NBA draft by trademarking his unibrow, which teammates had unsuccessfully tried to convince him to shave. During his time at UK, Davis spawned a mini-industry of unlicensed memorabilia that sported phrases like “Raise the Brow” and “Fear the Brow,” which he now legally controls.

NBA top draft pick Anthony Davis trademarks his unibrow [ABC]

Louisiana

The family that burglarizes together definitely does not stay together. Police arrested Metairie residents Justin Melgar and Brittney Dashner, both 22, for robbing homes while walking with their 2-year-old son and stashing stolen goods in his crib. The trio was arrested after a Homeland Security agent called in a report of their suspicious behavior. Dashner was released on a misdemeanor charge along with her toddler, but Melgar was being held on a $41,500 bond.

Metairie couple booked with burglarizing homes with 2-year-old in tow [TTP]

Maine

A local fisherman sought help from police and the media after leaving a large plastic tub of scallop guts in a stranger’s car. Andy Mays, a member of the Scallop Advisory Council, had spent six months collecting and dissecting the bivalves. After news of the mishap spread on Facebook, a college professor came forward, and the scallop guts were saved.

Southwest Harbor man seeking missing scallop guts after putting them in wrong car [BDN]

Maryland

A homeowner hid upstairs and called 911 when someone began banging on his door. When police arrived, they found 22-year-old Russell E. Neff sitting in a living-room chair, mostly naked, watching TV and baking a pot pie he found in the kitchen.

Man accused of breaking into Salisbury home, cooking pie [TBS]

Massachusetts

Staff at a BJ’s Wholesale headquarters in Westborough, Mass., were horrified to discover that a box containing a dismembered woman’s torso had accidentally been shipped to them as a result of a misprinted shipping label instead of to a research facility in Florida. Reminder: Make sure to proofread those addresses, body-parts-shipping employees!

Woman’s torso sent to BJ’s Wholesale headquarters accidentally [HP]

Michigan

State Representative Lisa Brown gave an impassioned speech on the question of restricted access to abortion. She concluded: “Finally, Mr. Speaker, I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina, but ‘no’ means ‘no.’” House Republicans responded by banning her from speaking. “What she said was offensive,” Representative Mike Callton, R-Nashville, explained. “It was so offensive, I don’t even want to say it in front of women.”

Michigan GOP bans lawmaker for using the v-word [DI]

Minnesota

An unusually aggressive deer began stalking Mark Christianson’s property, “brazenly hanging out” in the yard and eating his family’s potted flowers. Then the eight-point buck attacked: “He was pummeling me, standing on his hind legs and hitting me with the front ones. He hammered me good, rapid fire, and I thought, ‘Well, this isn’t good.’ I wasn’t winning, so I grabbed him and tackled him and we both went down on the ground.” Christianson had the last laugh, though, shooting the deer dead. If he had to do it over again, “I wouldn’t wait three days to get my rifle.”

Minnesota man is bloodied, bruised after deer attack [ST]

Mississippi

After Hurricane Isaac hit, an estimated 20,000 nutria carcasses washed up on shore in Hancock and Harrison counties. The giant rodents, an invasive species originally from South America, had been blamed for eating away at coastal marshlands. Several million live swamp rats still remain on the Gulf Coast.

Thousands of dead nutria pile up on Mississippi beaches after Isaac [NBC]

Missouri

Teresa Stone, 40, admitted to having a ten-year affair with her pastor and conspiring to have him kill her husband, Randy Stone. The pastor, 51-year-old David Love, is already serving life in prison for the crime; Teresa Stone’s guilty plea ensures she will serve no more than ten years in jail. An angry relative of Randy Stone said: “I got 16 years for stealing cars and this woman takes my cousin’s life, a Christian, a good man, and 10 years? I just don’t understand the law.”

Missouri woman admits plotting to kill her husband with her pastor [FOX]

Montana

Montana Representative Denny Rehberg backed down from his claims that the EPA was using surveillance drones to spy on farmers, blaming President Obama for the confusion. “The Obama Administration rarely reveals its secretive plans to anyone but its closest allies. Since Denny doesn’t vote with the President 95 percent of the time, he must often rely on news reports and constituent input,” wrote Jed Link, Rehberg’s spokesman. “In this case, Denny heard from concerned Montanans, saw reports in the media and took the responsible first step — asking the EPA about it.”

Rehberg backs off EPA drone claim, blames Obama [BG]

Nebraska

A preschool in Grand Island told a 3-year-old deaf student that he was no longer allowed to sign his name because the gesture resembles a “finger gun,” banned by school rules.

Grand Island preschooler asked to change the sign for his name in school [1011]

Nevada

A man eating a “triple bypass burger” at the Heart Attack Grill in Las Vegas suffered an apparent heart attack. The restaurant, which sports a medical theme with “nurses” instead of waitresses, offers free meals for patrons who weigh more than 350 pounds.

Man suffers heart attack at Heart Attack Grill [FOX]

New Hampshire

Joyce Coffee was arrested four times in 26 hours for blasting the AC/DC tune “Highway to Hell” from her home and for throwing a frying pan. It is not clear if the three noise arrests were related to the frying pan incident, which took place after her nephew tried to remove some of his belongings from her house.

Joyce Coffey arrested 4 times in 26 hours for playing AC/DC too loud [HP]

New Jersey

Nutley, N.J., resident Patricia Krentcil was arrested and charged with child endangerment after her 6-year-old daughter showed up to school with bad sunburns and told her teacher that she’d been tanning with her mom. Krentcil had previously been banned from dozens of local salons for overtanning.

New Jersey woman likes to tan [DI]

New Mexico

Officer Chris Webb was attending career day at Tularosa New Mexico Intermediate School when he used a Taser on a 10-year-old boy after the boy said he didn’t want to participate in washing the cop’s car. “Defendant Webb responded, ‘Let me show you what happens to people who do not listen to the police’” and delivered 50,000 volts into the boy’s body. Webb was eventually given a three-day suspension.

Cop used Taser gun on 10-year-old boy [S]

New York

Not That Bad: 26-year-old Long Island man Jared Gurman, of Williston Park, was convinced that the zombie outbreak as portrayed in AMC’s The Walking Dead could happen in real life because of some sort of “military mishap.” A Bit Worse: Gurman’s passionate belief in this possibility led to a heated text message argument with his girlfriend, who felt that a belief in zombie outbreaks was “ridiculous.” Wow, Terrible: When the girlfriend showed up at Gurman’s house late that night to check in on him, he shot her in the back with a rifle. “Gurman initially told police the shooting was accidental but later admitted it was not,” reports NBC New York. The girlfriend was sent to the hospital in stable condition.

Wow, Terrible: Walking Dead edition [DI]

North Carolina

Gary Allen Banning, 43, died after he accidentally drank from a jar of gasoline and then lit a cigarette, with tragically combustible results: “Investigators think Banning was at a friend’s apartment when he apparently mistook a jar of gasoline sitting by the kitchen sink for a beverage. After taking a gulp, he spit the gas out and got some on his clothes. Sometime later, investigators say Banning went outside to smoke a cigarette and burst into flame.”

Man bursts into flames after drinking gasoline [WBRZ]

North Dakota

A high-school basketball game at Century High School was the site of the latest appearance of the Piggyback Bandit: 28-year-old, five-foot, eight-inch, 240-pound Sherwin Shayegan, who befriends sports teams and then asks players for a ride. He has also offered to pay for piggybacks and in some cases has leapt onto the backs of basketball, soccer, hockey, and football players without warning, building a lengthy rap sheet for assault, criminal trespassing, and resisting arrest.

28-year-old man banned from North Dakota high school basketball games after allegedly dressing in uniform and asking for piggyback rides [DS]

Ohio

Susan Warren, also known as the “Cleaning Fairy,” was sentenced to one year’s probation and 20 hours of community service after breaking into a house in Westlake, cleaning the premises, and then leaving a bill. She was previously accused of a similar crime.

‘Cleaning Fairy’ gets probation [UPI]]

Oklahoma

Clyde Hobbs, 72, thought he had found a loophole to the extortionate rates of 1-900 phone-sex numbers: He simply called 911 and started talking dirty to the operators. Police said he called at least seventeen times on a Saturday, earning himself a very different kind of talk when cops arrived at his house. “Are you here to arrest me again?” They were, on charges of making a false report.

Clyde Hobbs talked dirty to 911 operators, Oklahoma cops say [HP]

Oregon

Terry Vance Garner, 69, suffered a grisly fate when he was eaten by his own pigs. Family members found dentures and pieces of his body after he went to feed the animals and never returned. “Those animals were his life,” his brother told a local paper.

Oregon farmer eaten by his pigs [BBC]

Pennsylvania

Patrick Gallagher’s bachelor party went badly awry when strippers at the Penthouse Club in Port Richmond brought him onstage. One slid down a pole and landed on him, rupturing his bladder. He filed suit in October against the club, seeking $50,000 for medical costs, pain, humiliation, and mental anguish.

Suit: Penthouse Club stripper ruptured man’s bladder at bachelor party [P]

Rhode Island

Lawmakers repealed an obscure 1989 law that outlawed lying on the Internet, thus criminalizing anyone who subtracted a few years from their Internet dating profile. Representative Chris Blazejewski, who led the charge to overturn the law, argued it was likely unconstitutional, thus protecting our collective right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of potential dates who get totally hung up on the whole age thing.

Law against white lies repealed in Rhode Island [HP]

South Carolina

A Spartanburg woman declared she was the “Karate Kid” and assumed the crane position before slapping and trying to bite a police officer. Displeased officers Tased and handcuffed her, whereupon she admitted that she had been using methamphetamine and huffing gasoline. Mr. Miyagi sad-face.

Cops: ‘Karate Kid‘ arrested for assaulting officer [CBS]

South Dakota

An unidentified woman was discovered in a stranger’s house in Brookings breast-feeding a baby that wasn’t hers. The unhappy mom got her baby back from the so-called Breastfeeding Bandit, who refused to leave the house and lay on the mother’s bed until the police arrived to arrest her.

Woman breastfeeds a baby that isn’t hers, gets arrested [HP]

Tennessee

Lowell Turpin, 40, had a violent confrontation with his girlfriend over the photo of a man on her Facebook page. Turpin was arrested under the suspicion of domestic assault as his girlfriend suffered an injured wrist and split lip. The man on her Facebook page was Mitt Romney.

Romney pic sparks assault by news-dumb man [NYDN]

Texas

Arthur Walker, 35, crashed his pickup truck into a Denver mall at 7:30 in the morning, drove into a Champs Sporting Goods, and then tried on some clothes and Air Jordans — all while completely naked. No one was injured in the incident. Walker was arrested on burglary charges.

Arthur Walker allegedly crashed his truck through Texas mall — naked [HP]

Utah

A 14-year-old paperboy went missing in Smithfield, forcing his anxious parents to file a missing persons report. The boy was later found stranded in a tree by a hostile goat, which had headbutted him off his bike and forced him to seek refuge. The goat’s name was Voldemort.

Police called after Smithfield newspaper boy chased up tree by goat [THJ]

Vermont

An inmate working in a Vermont prison factory modified the decals on police vehicles so that they depicted a pig. State troopers drove around with them for a year before noticing.

Vermont inmate added pigs to police cruiser decals [NBC]

Virginia

Jane Perez was sued for $750,000 after writing a negative Yelp review of building contractor Dietz Development. A judge granted a temporary injunction and ordered Perez to change parts of the review accusing the company of damaging her house, trespassing, and stealing jewelry.

Contractor sues Virginia woman for $750,000 after she wrote scathing Yelp review [DM]

Washington

Bryan Stime thought he had the perfect way to use the carpool lane: a skeleton in a white sweatshirt. The ruse was exposed when he was pulled over for speeding. “It’s a heck of a commute,” Stime said. “Since my commute was so bad, I started thinking — blow up doll, mannequin?”

Skeleton in passenger seat: Driver Bryan Stime busted for breaking HOV rules [HP]

West Virginia

Keith Judd, an inmate in a federal prison, put in a surprisingly good showing against President Obama in the West Virginia primary, garnering 40.6 percent of the vote and winning 10 of 55 counties.

This man beat President Obama in ten West Virginia counties [DI]

Wisconsin

A Madison man was arrested for possession of a concealed weapon, marijuana, and drug paraphernalia after neighbors complained of drinking and drug use at a local park. His name? Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop. The former Jeffrey Drew Wilschke, who legally changed his name in October, 2011, told the cops he would “get even with them.” According to Facebook, his favorite activities include “eating,” “standing,” “walking,” “thinking,” and “diamond.”

Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop, 30, arrested by Madison, Wisc., police [HP]

Wyoming

Legislators narrowly defeated a doomsday provision that called for the state to explore the creation of its own currency, start a military draft, and buy its own aircraft carrier. Matt Mead, governor of the landlocked state, said, “If we got an aircraft carrier, we’ll need a bigger lake.”

Wyoming doomsday bill: State legislators kill legislation [HP]