From left, Kim Stewart, Mischa Barton, and Hayden PanettierePhoto: Getty Images
With Paris Hilton summering in the slammer and Lindsay Lohan going cold turkey (again), America’s paparazzi, bartenders, and boy toys can breathe a sigh of relief. But it’ll be brief: With the tabloids’ two most popular subjects locked away, there’s a gaping hole atop the celebustarlet hierarchy, and Hollywood, like nature, abhors a vacuum. Who’s most likely to seize the “It” Party Girl crown?
HAYDEN PANETTIERE
Public intoxication: The 17-year-old regularly makes appearances at paparazzi-friendly bars … with her parents. She allegedly turns down free alcohol, something almost nobody we know has ever done in their lives. 0 points
Uselessness: She regenerates herself on Heroes every week. That’s a regular, high-profile gig people actually respect. 0 points
Revolving boyfriends: She’s been in a serious relationship with 21-year-old Stephen Colletti (of MTV’s Laguna Beach) for quite a while, without generating a single whiff of drunken shenanigans or teen angst. 0 points
Likelihood of going pantyless: We’ve never even seen her boobs. What kind of starlet does she think she is? 0 points
Total: 0 points
LILY ALLEN
Public intoxication: The nutty songstress is already a tabloid dream in the U.K. for cracking wise about drug use while swearing she’s sober. 5 points
Uselessness: She’s promoting her hit album vigorously, but she really works overtime feuding with everyone from Amy Winehouse to rapper Lady Sovereign to pop band Girls Aloud. She’s not afraid to trash-talk U.S. celebs, either: She said that anyone who bought Paris’s album should be killed and complained on Monday about losing a table at a bar to Lindsay Lohan. 4 points
Revolving boyfriends: We have no idea who Allen’s dating. That’s so refreshing. 0 points
Likelihood of going pantyless: Allen’s trademark sundresses come past her knees, rendering the presence of panties a moot point (and making us want to go shopping). 0 points
Total: 9 points
CAMERON DIAZ
Public intoxication: Newly single Cameron is clubbing with a vengeance normally reserved for much younger party girls — except without getting too visibly trashed or vomiting in bushes. 4 points
Uselessness: Cameron still gets big roles and shows up for them. 0 points
Revolving boyfriends: The tabs claim she’s hooked up with everyone from actor Djimon Honsou to surfer Kelly Slater to stringy Mind Freak magician Criss Angel. If she nails a foreign shipping heir in the next few weeks, we’ll know she means business. 7 points
Likelihood of going pantyless: We doubt her breakup shame spiral will get this extreme. 0 points
Total: 11 points
KIM STEWART
Public intoxication: Kim hits the bars with semi-professional zeal, and not with dad Rod in tow. Still, she hasn’t actually thrown up in front of the paparazzi. 3 points
Uselessness: Best known for being Paris Hilton’s most regular (read desperate) hanger-on. She’s got no marketable skills of which we are aware, and her career appears to consist of clubbing and shopping in heavy makeup. 7 points
Revolving boyfriends: Kim tends to like boys — and lots of ‘em! — that more famous women have already dumped. 6 points
Likelihood of going pantyless: We suspect Kim is rubbing her hands together with glee, Mr. Burns–style, at the prospect of Lohan and Hilton being locked up all summer long. Bet on seeing much more of her body than you want to. 5 points
Total: 21 points
MISCHA BARTON
Public intoxication: Our winner spent the weekend hospitalized after mixing booze and antibiotics (at least, that’s the official story). Either she can’t read the prescription bottle, or she can’t come up with a credible cover story. 12 points
Uselessness: The former star of The O.C. has three movies in the can and one in pre-production. 0 points
Revolving boyfriends: She’s been squired both by greasy heir Brandon Davis and greasy rocker Cisco Adler. She’s going for quality rather than quantity, but she’s still losing. 8 points
Likelihood of going pantyless: Barton has kept her ladyparts under wraps so far, but with her predilection for overly short skirts, it’s probably only a matter of time. 6 points
Total: 26 points
